I finally got out of the house. Of course this was for a doctor's appointment. However, the weather was so beautiful. As usual due to California traffic we were late to the appointment but the doctor was also running late. My Hubby, never one to disappoint, always says something embarrassing which is ultimately funny. This time as one lady was called into an appointment he told her to "have fun". As I covered my face with a magazine, the lady and nurse laughed. That has to be the perfect thing to tell a lady as she walks into a GYN appointment. Gotta love him.
At this doctor's appointment I had to have my cervix checked and take a fetal fibronectin test. My cervix is closed but soft. So that is what you call good and bad news. The baby is still hanging very low which continues to place pressure on the cervix. Personally I think she is staying low so her feet can continue to have a good aim at my bladder. Girly girl or not she is going to play soccer.
Now let me explain a little about fetal fibronectin (fFN). According the website http://www.ffntest.com/info/fetal_test.html
"Fetal fibronectin (fFN) is a "glue-like" protein your body makes to hold your baby in your womb. When your body is getting ready to give birth, this glue breaks down and leaks out of the uterus. Measuring the level of fetal fibronectin through a simple test can show if your body is getting ready to give birth."
The fFN test determines how much fFN is present and helps predict preterm labor. Because I am less that 35 weeks pregnant very little fFN should be present. The fFN test is not painful just a little uncomfortable but no different that an annual pap smear exam. The results come back the next day and is over 99% accurate. If the result is positive then my body has started "leaking fFN into the vagina" and is preparing itself for labor. My doctor stated that a positive result means I could go into labor within the next 10 days. The Hubby asked what a negative result means and the Dr. indicated that there is less than a .03% chance of me delivering in two weeks. This is my second fFN test. My first one was given to me when I was 25 weeks and it was negative. Now we are waiting for my 29 week result.
If the test results are positive the Dr stated that we are already taking the necessary precautions which is bed rest and taking medication that prevents contractions.
My bed rest has been upgraded so that I am now allowed to sit in a reclining position with my feet up. The Dr. does not want me to get clots in my legs from laying down so much. I am still not allowed to do any thing like cooking, cleaning, lifting or chasing my daughter. However, when the Dr said I can recline with my legs up I said "self . . . this would be a good time to get a pedicure after all the spa chair reclines and my feet would be up." So I asked the Dr. and she said yes. YEAH! Well the Hubby said no . . . not until we get the results of the fFN test. The Dr. laughed but said it was still okay for me to have a pedicure.
After the doctor's visit the Hubby took me to have lunch. It was nice sitting outside in the sunshine just the two of us talking, laughing and not worrying about the current situation. I love me some him!
Now back to my modified bed rest where I wait for the fFN test results. We pray for negative results.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Hemorrhoids Anyone?
Oh the pain the pain the pain . . . of hemorrhoids. I swear my hemorrhoids have had baby hemorrhoids. I really think that the hemorrhoids have a party to celebrate the birth of newest addition to the hemorrhoid family. Then to make matters more exciting lets just add constipation to the mix which must be 1st cousin to the hemorrhoid family.
What came first hemorrhoid or constipation? Who cares both are painful. I use Tucks and some type of hydrocordizone cream for the hemorrhoids. Colace is a stool softener that I take twice a day and instead of taking vitamins everyday I take it every other day. This seems to help prevent the constipation.
Now just when I thought it could not possibly get any worse, the little one in my womb thinks my bladder is a soccer ball. Of course this sends me running to the bathroom or changing my clothes. The other day this child kicked me so hard I thought her foot had come out of my womb. Not to mention she loves hanging out very low so when I stand up to go to the bathroom it feels like her whole two pounds is on my bladder. I look like an old woman doubled over. What does this mean? More pain and the only medication is called BED REST!
Okay so yes I have adapted to being on bed rest. But when you toss in hemorrhoids it is difficult to get comfortable in the bed. The best position would be to lay on my stomach or on my back. However both of those positions are uncomfortable with this growing belly. So laying down on my side requires strategic positioning and pillows.
While I joke about this there is a scary side to the situation. Since my cervix is short the last thing I need to do is bare down or push anything out of my body. Each time I am in that situation, I worry that I am putting more pressure on the cervix and running the risk of going into premature labor. The goal is to take every precaution to prevent constipation. But try as I might this issue continues to present itself.
For now I just have to role with the punches or I guess I should say rock with the punches because that is what I have to do to get out of bed with this big ole tummy of mine. After all we have made it to 29 weeks and 2 days.
I can do this. Right God?
What came first hemorrhoid or constipation? Who cares both are painful. I use Tucks and some type of hydrocordizone cream for the hemorrhoids. Colace is a stool softener that I take twice a day and instead of taking vitamins everyday I take it every other day. This seems to help prevent the constipation.
Now just when I thought it could not possibly get any worse, the little one in my womb thinks my bladder is a soccer ball. Of course this sends me running to the bathroom or changing my clothes. The other day this child kicked me so hard I thought her foot had come out of my womb. Not to mention she loves hanging out very low so when I stand up to go to the bathroom it feels like her whole two pounds is on my bladder. I look like an old woman doubled over. What does this mean? More pain and the only medication is called BED REST!
Okay so yes I have adapted to being on bed rest. But when you toss in hemorrhoids it is difficult to get comfortable in the bed. The best position would be to lay on my stomach or on my back. However both of those positions are uncomfortable with this growing belly. So laying down on my side requires strategic positioning and pillows.
While I joke about this there is a scary side to the situation. Since my cervix is short the last thing I need to do is bare down or push anything out of my body. Each time I am in that situation, I worry that I am putting more pressure on the cervix and running the risk of going into premature labor. The goal is to take every precaution to prevent constipation. But try as I might this issue continues to present itself.
For now I just have to role with the punches or I guess I should say rock with the punches because that is what I have to do to get out of bed with this big ole tummy of mine. After all we have made it to 29 weeks and 2 days.
I can do this. Right God?
Sunday, September 12, 2010
At Home
Well I have been home for 5 days now. My husband's mother, aunt and uncle have taken care of our little one since I returned home to give my husband a break and time for both of us to adjust to me being home. They brought her home last night. I am grateful that we have family to help.
Being home has its advantages. I get to choose between three rooms where I will stay that day. I can see and hear activities outside like dogs barking and children laughing and playing. Also, now there are over 100 channels that have absolutely nothing on that I want to watch. But hey, at least I have more choices. Most importantly, I get my daily fix of my little one. She always comes running into the room yelling Mommy and jumping in the bed to give me a hug and kiss. The she proceeds to eat or drink whatever I have within her reach. Seeing the Hubby everyday also has its perks.
There are some disadvantages. Remembering to take my medication at the right time is not easy especially if I fall asleep and miss taking a dose. To prevent this I set 5 alarms on my cell phone and keep it under my pillow. So far so good. Next every little pain causes me to worry. Is that a contraction or is that just because of the position of the baby? The Hubby is concerned if I look like I am in pain or moan when I roll over so now I am mindful of these to keep his mind at ease. I hate left-overs but it ensures that if the Hubby is not around to fix me something to eat then I am only on my feet for a few minutes heating something up in the microwave. He is not a bad cook so that is a plus. But the hardest is staying in the bed when my little one is pulling on me and asking me to get up because she wants me to play with her or go outside. So far I have only given in to going downstairs and laying on the couch so I can watch her play with her toys.
In the three weeks that I was in the hospital there were changes at home. I feel like I have missed so much being in the hospital. Of course everyone including myself said this is only a short time. But a child changes and learns so much every day. When I came home it felt as though I missed her first steps or better yet her first sentence. All of this just gives me another good reason to follow the doctor's instructions so I can stay home as long as possible.
Well for my own memories, I should document some of the changes that I noticed in my little one when I came home.
First our little one has a little trouble self soothing when she goes to bed now. This is understandable since Mommy has been away and the daily routine changed. Daddy has to lay down with her now for a little while to get her to relax and provide reassurance that everything is okay. This is something we have not had to do since she was 6 or 7 months except when she was sick or her favorite blanket was being washed or was missing. Nothing I can do now but lay in the bed and let Daddy handle it. The two of them have a stronger bond. I am a little jealous because now she wants Daddy to sooth her to sleep.
Second, regardless of when she cries or the reason she cries . . . I cry. I hope it is only hormones but I cannot stand to hear her cries. Even when I know it is a fake cry. It is also difficult to see Daddy discipline her but it is for her own good and it is the same thing I would do if I could be up and about. I must say she had it better than me because there was no such thing as a "time out" when I was growing up.
Third, her vocabulary has increased. I could tell in the hospital but it was not until I came home that I could really see the difference. Now she says you are welcome, instead of welcome. Its mine instead of mine. What is that instead of pointing. Over there or right there instead of pointing. She can now say her numbers up to 15 or 20 depending on her mood. She is also able to identify colors. Apparently our decision to take her to speech therapy and put her in pre-school was a good decision.
Fourth, that little girl can be bossy. LOL! Well for those of you that know me . . . you probably are saying the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Finally, that little girl pays attention to everything and she only needs to see it once or twice to understand how something works. For those of you that know me . . . she must have got that from her Daddy's side. LOL!
Yesterday, she decided to take my phone and call someone. She unlocked the phone which is no shocker because she has been doing that for months now. However, she now knows that the icons on the phone will allow her to see pictures, video or call someone. All she has to do is touch the right icon. Now I am in shock because first she was trying to get to the video that I showed her earlier. Then she called (yes - I said called) our Aunt Glo. My aunt was cracking up because the first 30 seconds of the call all she heard was the two of us laughing and me saying "who did you call" "give me the phone" "give me the phone little girl". This bed rest thing really has me limited. Glad it was my Aunt and not my boss that she called.
Being home has its advantages. I get to choose between three rooms where I will stay that day. I can see and hear activities outside like dogs barking and children laughing and playing. Also, now there are over 100 channels that have absolutely nothing on that I want to watch. But hey, at least I have more choices. Most importantly, I get my daily fix of my little one. She always comes running into the room yelling Mommy and jumping in the bed to give me a hug and kiss. The she proceeds to eat or drink whatever I have within her reach. Seeing the Hubby everyday also has its perks.
There are some disadvantages. Remembering to take my medication at the right time is not easy especially if I fall asleep and miss taking a dose. To prevent this I set 5 alarms on my cell phone and keep it under my pillow. So far so good. Next every little pain causes me to worry. Is that a contraction or is that just because of the position of the baby? The Hubby is concerned if I look like I am in pain or moan when I roll over so now I am mindful of these to keep his mind at ease. I hate left-overs but it ensures that if the Hubby is not around to fix me something to eat then I am only on my feet for a few minutes heating something up in the microwave. He is not a bad cook so that is a plus. But the hardest is staying in the bed when my little one is pulling on me and asking me to get up because she wants me to play with her or go outside. So far I have only given in to going downstairs and laying on the couch so I can watch her play with her toys.
In the three weeks that I was in the hospital there were changes at home. I feel like I have missed so much being in the hospital. Of course everyone including myself said this is only a short time. But a child changes and learns so much every day. When I came home it felt as though I missed her first steps or better yet her first sentence. All of this just gives me another good reason to follow the doctor's instructions so I can stay home as long as possible.
Well for my own memories, I should document some of the changes that I noticed in my little one when I came home.
First our little one has a little trouble self soothing when she goes to bed now. This is understandable since Mommy has been away and the daily routine changed. Daddy has to lay down with her now for a little while to get her to relax and provide reassurance that everything is okay. This is something we have not had to do since she was 6 or 7 months except when she was sick or her favorite blanket was being washed or was missing. Nothing I can do now but lay in the bed and let Daddy handle it. The two of them have a stronger bond. I am a little jealous because now she wants Daddy to sooth her to sleep.
Second, regardless of when she cries or the reason she cries . . . I cry. I hope it is only hormones but I cannot stand to hear her cries. Even when I know it is a fake cry. It is also difficult to see Daddy discipline her but it is for her own good and it is the same thing I would do if I could be up and about. I must say she had it better than me because there was no such thing as a "time out" when I was growing up.
Third, her vocabulary has increased. I could tell in the hospital but it was not until I came home that I could really see the difference. Now she says you are welcome, instead of welcome. Its mine instead of mine. What is that instead of pointing. Over there or right there instead of pointing. She can now say her numbers up to 15 or 20 depending on her mood. She is also able to identify colors. Apparently our decision to take her to speech therapy and put her in pre-school was a good decision.
Fourth, that little girl can be bossy. LOL! Well for those of you that know me . . . you probably are saying the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Finally, that little girl pays attention to everything and she only needs to see it once or twice to understand how something works. For those of you that know me . . . she must have got that from her Daddy's side. LOL!
Yesterday, she decided to take my phone and call someone. She unlocked the phone which is no shocker because she has been doing that for months now. However, she now knows that the icons on the phone will allow her to see pictures, video or call someone. All she has to do is touch the right icon. Now I am in shock because first she was trying to get to the video that I showed her earlier. Then she called (yes - I said called) our Aunt Glo. My aunt was cracking up because the first 30 seconds of the call all she heard was the two of us laughing and me saying "who did you call" "give me the phone" "give me the phone little girl". This bed rest thing really has me limited. Glad it was my Aunt and not my boss that she called.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
FREEDOM - Well Sort of
Labor Day marked week 28 for this little one. At 27 weeks and 6 days it was not looking good. I should clarify that the baby was looking good. Strong heartbeat, approx. weight 2 lbs 2 oz, all limbs, fingers and toes in the proper place, spine, brain and kidneys all looked good according to the ultra sound. But my cervix continued to let me down. For the past 3 weeks, the strict bed rest regimen did not prevent my cervix from getting shorter. This was disappointing news and I had no idea how I would manage to wrap my mind around staying in the hospital for another 4 weeks.
Oh don't get me wrong. Friends and family have been overwhelmingly supportive and a true blessing. My little one had days that she was okay with leaving Mommy. And God bless him . . . my Hubby had things under control at home. Plus he was receiving the same type of support from family and friends. Our little one's God Parents would travel over an hour to help take her to pre-school and other appointments. And my Mother-in-law is in town for a little over a week.
But as you can tell from my previous blog, I was expecting Dr. B to keep me in the hospital. My Hubby decided to leave our little one with his Mom and stay the night in the hospital with me. That was a well needed surprise. Plus it reminded me that we were in this together. His support helped me prepare myself for the bad news.
Monday morning, Dr. B came in and said she wanted to check my cervix before making a decision. While they prepared me for this exam, my Hubby was asking Dr. B a ton of questions. THAT'S MY MAN! I was so happy to have him here during this process. I also knew that I would need his shoulder to cry on when Dr. B said I had to stay.
To our surprise the cervix was closed. Well not totally closed but closed enough that Dr. B would allow me to go home. Words can not describe my emotions. Not to mention I was embarrassed about my breakdown the previous day.
Then my Hubby started asking questions again. This time he asked questions I didn't want him to ask because I didn't want Dr. B to change her mind. "Are you sure this will not cause her to go into labor?" "How safe is it for her to be home if the cervix is still short?" etc. etc. etc. Now I want to say hush man! But THAT'S MY MAN. He looks after his girls no matter what.
Now the conditions of my release required strict bed rest. Basically, I have bathroom privileges. Nothing more. Dr. B made me swear on my family that I would behave. Okay wrong word. I agreed to do as she instructed. Even when I go to doctor appointments, Dr. B wants me to be in the backseat laying down. Gotta love her dedication to keeping this baby in as long as possible.
So around 12 p.m. Labor Day I left the antepartum department in a wheel chair with my Hubby. It was hot but I rode with the windows down in the car because I wanted to feel the air. Not to mention, it will be at least a week before I am able to get out again for my doctors appointment.
Home is a beautiful place. Our daughter is not home but her presence is felt in each room. Probably because she has toys in every single room in the house. LOL! I immediately start asking questions. "Why did you let the plant die?" "Why didn't you throw that away?" "What is this?" etc. etc. My Hubby says, I am taking you back if you don't go upstairs and get in the bed. That is all the threat I need.
Bed rest sucks big time. But not so much now that I am in my own bed and able to see the park, trees and playground from my window.
This is probably the best Labor Day ever. Today will be even better when our little one comes home and sees me. I am dreaming of that smile and hug now. The only thing that will be missing is me picking her up and swinging her around.
Thank you Lord for your blessings!
Oh don't get me wrong. Friends and family have been overwhelmingly supportive and a true blessing. My little one had days that she was okay with leaving Mommy. And God bless him . . . my Hubby had things under control at home. Plus he was receiving the same type of support from family and friends. Our little one's God Parents would travel over an hour to help take her to pre-school and other appointments. And my Mother-in-law is in town for a little over a week.
But as you can tell from my previous blog, I was expecting Dr. B to keep me in the hospital. My Hubby decided to leave our little one with his Mom and stay the night in the hospital with me. That was a well needed surprise. Plus it reminded me that we were in this together. His support helped me prepare myself for the bad news.
Monday morning, Dr. B came in and said she wanted to check my cervix before making a decision. While they prepared me for this exam, my Hubby was asking Dr. B a ton of questions. THAT'S MY MAN! I was so happy to have him here during this process. I also knew that I would need his shoulder to cry on when Dr. B said I had to stay.
To our surprise the cervix was closed. Well not totally closed but closed enough that Dr. B would allow me to go home. Words can not describe my emotions. Not to mention I was embarrassed about my breakdown the previous day.
Then my Hubby started asking questions again. This time he asked questions I didn't want him to ask because I didn't want Dr. B to change her mind. "Are you sure this will not cause her to go into labor?" "How safe is it for her to be home if the cervix is still short?" etc. etc. etc. Now I want to say hush man! But THAT'S MY MAN. He looks after his girls no matter what.
Now the conditions of my release required strict bed rest. Basically, I have bathroom privileges. Nothing more. Dr. B made me swear on my family that I would behave. Okay wrong word. I agreed to do as she instructed. Even when I go to doctor appointments, Dr. B wants me to be in the backseat laying down. Gotta love her dedication to keeping this baby in as long as possible.
So around 12 p.m. Labor Day I left the antepartum department in a wheel chair with my Hubby. It was hot but I rode with the windows down in the car because I wanted to feel the air. Not to mention, it will be at least a week before I am able to get out again for my doctors appointment.
Home is a beautiful place. Our daughter is not home but her presence is felt in each room. Probably because she has toys in every single room in the house. LOL! I immediately start asking questions. "Why did you let the plant die?" "Why didn't you throw that away?" "What is this?" etc. etc. My Hubby says, I am taking you back if you don't go upstairs and get in the bed. That is all the threat I need.
Bed rest sucks big time. But not so much now that I am in my own bed and able to see the park, trees and playground from my window.
This is probably the best Labor Day ever. Today will be even better when our little one comes home and sees me. I am dreaming of that smile and hug now. The only thing that will be missing is me picking her up and swinging her around.
Thank you Lord for your blessings!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A Really Difficult Day
Well I woke up this morning in a good mood. Apparently, my AMEZ (i.e. Methodist) upbringing must have kicked in because I only had hymns on my tongue. First was "Nothing but the Blood" and then "How Great Thou Are." One of the nurses walked in and asked if I was having church and if I was Catholic because she heard the tradition version of "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood" playing on my computer. Guess I was. She mentioned that they could bring a minister in to talk to me but I told her I could download a sermon and it was okay.
Then Dr. B came to visit me. She of course was not pleased with the ultra sound results. My cervix at 1.2 cm means that it is shorter than when I first came to the hospital. She was hoping that my cervix would have remained the same. I like that Dr. B is cautious. But I really want to go home. Really if staying in the bed in the hospital has not stabilized my cervix then why not have bed rest at home.
My mood is really going downhill at this point. Dr. B stated she would discuss this situation with Dr. W (the perinotologist). Dr. B wants to determine if there are additional things that can be done to stabilize my cervix. All of her comments and concerns make since and are valid and my head and heart know this but I still want to go home.
Let me see how I can explain my emotions.
I miss being around my 2.5 year old and my husband. I feel as though I have neglected them during this time. Especially my little one. Yes, the Hubby is doing an awesome job and he is supportive. But I am the Mommy and my little girl needs her Mommy. So I feel guilty. Guilty that I am choosing to care for one child over another.
At the same time I wonder what more could or should I have done to prevent this situation. Should I have allowed Dr. B to take me off work sooner instead of convincing her that I would be okay with a reduced work schedule. Should I have voiced my concerns about the pressure I was feeling earlier and not just assume that it was natural for me to feel that way for the 2nd pregnancy. Again - Guilt.
Then I just want to get up and walk out of this hospital because this entire situation is overwhelming. Mainly because I am afraid of becoming so depressed that I will be no good for this child or my family. And I think how selfish of me. More Guilt.
I wonder if this is all worth it. Geez - How selfish of me. Now I feel horrible. How can I even bring that thought into my mind. Of course our daughter is worth it. GUILT!!!!
Can I beat myself up any more. Yes, I can! Because I am positive this baby growing inside of me can feel each and every one of my emotions and understand my thoughts. How crazy is that? Does it matter? No! Because that is how I feel and my feelings are valid. Well at least to me - my feelings are valid.
So I cry and cry and cry and cry. It is a vicious cycle. My nurse comes in and just sits and rubs my back and doesn't say a word. I cry even harder because I do not deserve to be comforted. Oh if she only knew my thoughts.
I called my Hubby crying uncontrollably. I need you. Just come now, please. He comes to the hospital and just holds me and lays down with me while I continue to cry. I try to explain what is going on with me emotionally but I am a blubbering mess. Eventually, I tell him everything and ended it with I am such a horrible Mother.
He waits for me to finish and after a few moments he says . . . "Do you remember what you told our daughter the other day?" I said "no" He said you told her "Mommy wants to be with you but she is staying in the hospital so your sister will be healthy." Hmmm - I really don't remember saying that to her. Well it was not until after he left that I remember. My little one was laying in the bed and just looked up at me and said Mommy? Along with something else I could not understand. However, it sounded like a question. So I that was how I answered her. I remember getting a kiss shortly after.
Then he says . . . do you remember what you said after our daughter was born. I say "of course not". He said that when I first held her I said "all that bed rest and pain was worth seeing you."
Well now I am crying for a totally different reason.
First, I have the greatest Husband in the world and that he is truly my blessing sent by God. He remembers the most important parts of our life and reminds me of those times especially when I am beating myself up. Second, I am not a horrible Mommy. I am just having a horrible day. Finally, no matter what, I will always do what is best for our children.
I would love to end this post by saying after my Husband left my day was better. But that would not be a true statement. I still feel guilty and a little depressed. I have been crying off an on all day and several times while writing this blog.
However, I am certain that tomorrow will be a better day. After all that will mean my little one stayed in the belly for 28 weeks. Everyday she stays in makes her stronger. So I say thank you, Lord. Regardless, of my day. . . Thank you, Lord.
Romans 8
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Proverbs 3
My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Then Dr. B came to visit me. She of course was not pleased with the ultra sound results. My cervix at 1.2 cm means that it is shorter than when I first came to the hospital. She was hoping that my cervix would have remained the same. I like that Dr. B is cautious. But I really want to go home. Really if staying in the bed in the hospital has not stabilized my cervix then why not have bed rest at home.
My mood is really going downhill at this point. Dr. B stated she would discuss this situation with Dr. W (the perinotologist). Dr. B wants to determine if there are additional things that can be done to stabilize my cervix. All of her comments and concerns make since and are valid and my head and heart know this but I still want to go home.
Let me see how I can explain my emotions.
I miss being around my 2.5 year old and my husband. I feel as though I have neglected them during this time. Especially my little one. Yes, the Hubby is doing an awesome job and he is supportive. But I am the Mommy and my little girl needs her Mommy. So I feel guilty. Guilty that I am choosing to care for one child over another.
At the same time I wonder what more could or should I have done to prevent this situation. Should I have allowed Dr. B to take me off work sooner instead of convincing her that I would be okay with a reduced work schedule. Should I have voiced my concerns about the pressure I was feeling earlier and not just assume that it was natural for me to feel that way for the 2nd pregnancy. Again - Guilt.
Then I just want to get up and walk out of this hospital because this entire situation is overwhelming. Mainly because I am afraid of becoming so depressed that I will be no good for this child or my family. And I think how selfish of me. More Guilt.
I wonder if this is all worth it. Geez - How selfish of me. Now I feel horrible. How can I even bring that thought into my mind. Of course our daughter is worth it. GUILT!!!!
Can I beat myself up any more. Yes, I can! Because I am positive this baby growing inside of me can feel each and every one of my emotions and understand my thoughts. How crazy is that? Does it matter? No! Because that is how I feel and my feelings are valid. Well at least to me - my feelings are valid.
So I cry and cry and cry and cry. It is a vicious cycle. My nurse comes in and just sits and rubs my back and doesn't say a word. I cry even harder because I do not deserve to be comforted. Oh if she only knew my thoughts.
I called my Hubby crying uncontrollably. I need you. Just come now, please. He comes to the hospital and just holds me and lays down with me while I continue to cry. I try to explain what is going on with me emotionally but I am a blubbering mess. Eventually, I tell him everything and ended it with I am such a horrible Mother.
He waits for me to finish and after a few moments he says . . . "Do you remember what you told our daughter the other day?" I said "no" He said you told her "Mommy wants to be with you but she is staying in the hospital so your sister will be healthy." Hmmm - I really don't remember saying that to her. Well it was not until after he left that I remember. My little one was laying in the bed and just looked up at me and said Mommy? Along with something else I could not understand. However, it sounded like a question. So I that was how I answered her. I remember getting a kiss shortly after.
Then he says . . . do you remember what you said after our daughter was born. I say "of course not". He said that when I first held her I said "all that bed rest and pain was worth seeing you."
Well now I am crying for a totally different reason.
First, I have the greatest Husband in the world and that he is truly my blessing sent by God. He remembers the most important parts of our life and reminds me of those times especially when I am beating myself up. Second, I am not a horrible Mommy. I am just having a horrible day. Finally, no matter what, I will always do what is best for our children.
I would love to end this post by saying after my Husband left my day was better. But that would not be a true statement. I still feel guilty and a little depressed. I have been crying off an on all day and several times while writing this blog.
However, I am certain that tomorrow will be a better day. After all that will mean my little one stayed in the belly for 28 weeks. Everyday she stays in makes her stronger. So I say thank you, Lord. Regardless, of my day. . . Thank you, Lord.
Romans 8
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Proverbs 3
My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Wedding Anniversary
Today is our 6th Wedding Anniversary. What a way to spend such a special day. Stuck in a hospital. Needless to say, I did not wake up in a pleasant mood. I would have much preferred to wake up next to my Hubby. Instead I woke up in a cold hospital room. Nope I was not alone. One of the nurses was there to take my vitals and give me my medication.
Dr. B stopped in to give me the normal comments. However, I had my own agenda. I want out of this place on Monday. Dr. B says not until 28 weeks. I say "that is this Monday and I want to go home". I keep the date on the whiteboard in the room. Today is week 27 and 5 days. I ask when will the perinatologist perform the ultra sound to determine the length of my cervix. Dr. B said she will make arrangements for that to happen today.
Later that day Dr. W who is the perinatologist comes to my room and performs an ultra sound. When I see her I decide to have fun and give her a hard time because it was her diagnosis sent me to my current living environment.
Dr. W performs the ultrasound and determines that my cervix is shorter. It is now 1.2 cm. Bummer. I don't know if this will prevent my departure because my cervix was 1.43 cm 3 weeks ago which was the cause of my initial incarceration . . . I mean admittance to hospital. Now that my cervix is shorter I am not sure if Dr. B will allow me to go home. I still have hope that she will let me go home to finish out my bed rest since I am not having contractions or any other pre-labor symptoms. The decision is up to Dr. B. Not sure what she will say tomorrow. Again I have to wait.
Of course you know that I have to find a bright side. Well, the little one is healthy. Her spine, kidneys, brain, legs, arms, feet, fingers, toes etc. are all in order. We all got a good laugh at her moving around and we were able to get a good picture of her foot at the top of her head. Must be nice being that flexible. She is growing well and her weight is estimated at 2lbs 2oz which means her weight is on target.
This is good news but I am still a little depressed. I decided that I am well within my rights to feel depressed today. I start singing "Lord help me to hold out". Wish I was a better singer. Might have to find that song on Youtube.com
Regardless, I am resolved to have a better day tomorrow. After all, its not about me. Its about the little one growing in my belly. Ouch! But I tell you if she kicks me in my bladder one more time . . . .
Dr. B stopped in to give me the normal comments. However, I had my own agenda. I want out of this place on Monday. Dr. B says not until 28 weeks. I say "that is this Monday and I want to go home". I keep the date on the whiteboard in the room. Today is week 27 and 5 days. I ask when will the perinatologist perform the ultra sound to determine the length of my cervix. Dr. B said she will make arrangements for that to happen today.
Later that day Dr. W who is the perinatologist comes to my room and performs an ultra sound. When I see her I decide to have fun and give her a hard time because it was her diagnosis sent me to my current living environment.
Dr. W performs the ultrasound and determines that my cervix is shorter. It is now 1.2 cm. Bummer. I don't know if this will prevent my departure because my cervix was 1.43 cm 3 weeks ago which was the cause of my initial incarceration . . . I mean admittance to hospital. Now that my cervix is shorter I am not sure if Dr. B will allow me to go home. I still have hope that she will let me go home to finish out my bed rest since I am not having contractions or any other pre-labor symptoms. The decision is up to Dr. B. Not sure what she will say tomorrow. Again I have to wait.
Of course you know that I have to find a bright side. Well, the little one is healthy. Her spine, kidneys, brain, legs, arms, feet, fingers, toes etc. are all in order. We all got a good laugh at her moving around and we were able to get a good picture of her foot at the top of her head. Must be nice being that flexible. She is growing well and her weight is estimated at 2lbs 2oz which means her weight is on target.
This is good news but I am still a little depressed. I decided that I am well within my rights to feel depressed today. I start singing "Lord help me to hold out". Wish I was a better singer. Might have to find that song on Youtube.com
Regardless, I am resolved to have a better day tomorrow. After all, its not about me. Its about the little one growing in my belly. Ouch! But I tell you if she kicks me in my bladder one more time . . . .
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Great Escape
Laying in a room all day long brings about many emotions. I generally start the day off in a good mood. But without fail at some point in the day, I get a little depressed. But I refuse to wallow is self pity for to long. So I start thinking of humorous things to do. Today I planned my great escape. (Never mind I could probably just sign myself out but that takes all the fun out of planning an escape.)
So this was the plan. There are about 6 pregnant nurses that I am aware of in the Labor and Delivery and Antepartum floor. Well 5 now. One started maternity leave today. Usually they wear blue or green scrubs. How hard could it be to get a set of scrubs? Once I commandeer a set of scrubs I would change clothes. Now the tricky part is getting out of my room past the nurses station. That is a tough one since my room is directly in front of the nurses station. So I have to wait until everyone has her back turned or are distracted by another resident on this floor and sneak out the room. If they happen to look up then all they notice is me waddling (yes I said waddle) down the hallway like all the other pregnant nurses. One short hallway and a quick turn to the right and out the door I go. It is the perfect plan provided no one realizes that I am African American and they don't have any African American pregnant nurses with her hair braided in cornrows on the floor.
Well I was so tickled with my escape plan I told the charge nurse who thought it was so funny she shared it with the other nurses. Apparently one of the nurses added a twist to my escape. Saying that she could see the nurses finding her locked in a closet with her scrubs missing. Now I would never do that! Then again I probably do need her ID Badge to complete the outfit.
Dr. A just walked in and confirmed that she spoke to Dr. B and provided all goes well she will let me out of here at 28 weeks. That is next Monday! My glucose test is fine and I don't have to take the 3 hour test. Hallelujah -Thank you Lord. I will still be on bed rest but I will be in my own home in my own bed and surrounded by my little one and Hubby.
HOWEVER, if they plan on keeping me longer then I have to come up with the Great Escape plan B.
God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good.
So this was the plan. There are about 6 pregnant nurses that I am aware of in the Labor and Delivery and Antepartum floor. Well 5 now. One started maternity leave today. Usually they wear blue or green scrubs. How hard could it be to get a set of scrubs? Once I commandeer a set of scrubs I would change clothes. Now the tricky part is getting out of my room past the nurses station. That is a tough one since my room is directly in front of the nurses station. So I have to wait until everyone has her back turned or are distracted by another resident on this floor and sneak out the room. If they happen to look up then all they notice is me waddling (yes I said waddle) down the hallway like all the other pregnant nurses. One short hallway and a quick turn to the right and out the door I go. It is the perfect plan provided no one realizes that I am African American and they don't have any African American pregnant nurses with her hair braided in cornrows on the floor.
Well I was so tickled with my escape plan I told the charge nurse who thought it was so funny she shared it with the other nurses. Apparently one of the nurses added a twist to my escape. Saying that she could see the nurses finding her locked in a closet with her scrubs missing. Now I would never do that! Then again I probably do need her ID Badge to complete the outfit.
Dr. A just walked in and confirmed that she spoke to Dr. B and provided all goes well she will let me out of here at 28 weeks. That is next Monday! My glucose test is fine and I don't have to take the 3 hour test. Hallelujah -Thank you Lord. I will still be on bed rest but I will be in my own home in my own bed and surrounded by my little one and Hubby.
HOWEVER, if they plan on keeping me longer then I have to come up with the Great Escape plan B.
God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good.
Can I Go Home Now?
So Dr. B walks into the room yesterday and dare I say it . . . Dr. B says she may let me go home in two weeks depending on a few conditions. Of course before she mentions the conditions, I try to negotiate with her to reduce it to one week. After all, next Monday I will be 28 weeks.
Dr. B is use to me by now and goes right into the conditions. It actually makes me chuckle. So I prepare myself for the conditions. First she wants to measure my cervix again to see if it is shorter or has remained the same. Second, I have to prove that I can duplicate the hospital environment at home meaning that I am must stay in bed and most importantly not chase around my toddler.
Hmmm one of these I have no control over but my God does so I make a mental note to modify my daily prayers.
The second condition is tough but can be done. My mind starts racing. Since my Hubby has been acting as the single parent while I have been in the hospital this should not be a problem. The routine of dropping off, picking up and caring for our toddler will not change. But now the Hubby will also have to prepare my meals. (By the way – My Hubby laughed hysterically when I told him Dr. B said I was not to prepare meals. He asked if I told her that I have not prepared meals in years. I said I cook but I had to give in and laugh with him because I stopped cooking when I got pregnant with our toddler.) Friends and family have offered to help and watch our little one to give the Hubby a break. So yes this is doable.
Now I just have to make sure that I do not allow my toddler‘s pleas to get me to leave the bed. Now I am aware that all of you Mommies know that is going to be difficult. But I can do all things through God who strengthens me. I know what can happen to the baby on board if I do not comply. And I am strong enough to admit when I am wrong and if necessary I will run back to the hospital if I am not able to force myself to stay in the bed.
But this is wishful thinking. So I zoom back in on what Dr. B is saying. She is going on vacation but is going to discuss this plan with Dr. A. Hmmm – most doctors will not release another doctor’s patient so I know that it will be at least another two weeks.
Darn - Guess I should keep working on my escape plan.
Dr. B is use to me by now and goes right into the conditions. It actually makes me chuckle. So I prepare myself for the conditions. First she wants to measure my cervix again to see if it is shorter or has remained the same. Second, I have to prove that I can duplicate the hospital environment at home meaning that I am must stay in bed and most importantly not chase around my toddler.
Hmmm one of these I have no control over but my God does so I make a mental note to modify my daily prayers.
The second condition is tough but can be done. My mind starts racing. Since my Hubby has been acting as the single parent while I have been in the hospital this should not be a problem. The routine of dropping off, picking up and caring for our toddler will not change. But now the Hubby will also have to prepare my meals. (By the way – My Hubby laughed hysterically when I told him Dr. B said I was not to prepare meals. He asked if I told her that I have not prepared meals in years. I said I cook but I had to give in and laugh with him because I stopped cooking when I got pregnant with our toddler.) Friends and family have offered to help and watch our little one to give the Hubby a break. So yes this is doable.
Now I just have to make sure that I do not allow my toddler‘s pleas to get me to leave the bed. Now I am aware that all of you Mommies know that is going to be difficult. But I can do all things through God who strengthens me. I know what can happen to the baby on board if I do not comply. And I am strong enough to admit when I am wrong and if necessary I will run back to the hospital if I am not able to force myself to stay in the bed.
But this is wishful thinking. So I zoom back in on what Dr. B is saying. She is going on vacation but is going to discuss this plan with Dr. A. Hmmm – most doctors will not release another doctor’s patient so I know that it will be at least another two weeks.
Darn - Guess I should keep working on my escape plan.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
A Mother's Prayer
Sunday my daughter visited me and as always I filled her up with hugs and kisses. I combed her hair and we watched a movie. She ate and played. Then she decided it was time to go. So she pointed to the door, got my shoes and said Mommy up. She was ready to go. Mommy was ready to go also. I tried explaining as best I could to my 2.5 year old that Mommy has to stay. She threw her jacket on the floor and refused to pick it up and put it on. Under no circumstance did she want to leave without Mommy and she was doing her best to let us know that she was not happy. I sat in the room crying while listening to my daughter's cries getting softer as she walked farther away from the room.
Of course, I knew that Daddy was in for a long night. Daddy later told me that she really was sad and that he had to lay down with her that night and talk to her until she dosed off.
No one every tells you how much your heart breaks when you see sadness in your child's eyes and realize that you do not have the ability to put the joy and spark back into her eyes. Even worse is knowing that you are the cause.
I once again I start to feel like I am putting one child's well being over another. My unborn child's health verses my toddler's emotions and desire for her Mommy.
Guilt floods my soul. All I can do is cry and pray to the Lord.
Lord please keep the joy and peace in my daughter's soul. Don't let the sparkle in her eyes or the gentleness of her character go away. Take away all sadness. Send your angels to comfort her to sleep. When she dreams let her dream of Mommy holding her tight or chasing her through the park and swinging her in the air. Always let her laughter fill the house. For her laughter is medicinal to our home and anyone within hearing distance. Most importantly allow her to feel your presence and your peace as you hold her close and surround her with your love and protection. She is your child first and mine second and no one can care for her better than you. Continue to provide her Daddy your guidance, love, peace and strength during this time so that our little girl remains strong and feels loved. Lord this is the prayer of a Mother's love. This is a prayer from your child for her child. This is a petition and prayer that I make in your son Jesus Christ name. Jesus who is my intercessor. Jesus who knows what each individual tear drop means as a say this prayer. In the mighty matchless name of Jesus Christ. A name above all names. Lord I pray this prayer. Amen.
I would love to say that after praying the guilty feeling went away. It didn't. However the tears stopped flowing. I felt a little stronger knowing that my God would put peace in my toddler's heart and soul.
A scripture in Romans comes to mind: we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
I wonder - whose character is being developed in this situation? Mine or my 2.5 year old or both.
Of course, I knew that Daddy was in for a long night. Daddy later told me that she really was sad and that he had to lay down with her that night and talk to her until she dosed off.
No one every tells you how much your heart breaks when you see sadness in your child's eyes and realize that you do not have the ability to put the joy and spark back into her eyes. Even worse is knowing that you are the cause.
I once again I start to feel like I am putting one child's well being over another. My unborn child's health verses my toddler's emotions and desire for her Mommy.
Guilt floods my soul. All I can do is cry and pray to the Lord.
Lord please keep the joy and peace in my daughter's soul. Don't let the sparkle in her eyes or the gentleness of her character go away. Take away all sadness. Send your angels to comfort her to sleep. When she dreams let her dream of Mommy holding her tight or chasing her through the park and swinging her in the air. Always let her laughter fill the house. For her laughter is medicinal to our home and anyone within hearing distance. Most importantly allow her to feel your presence and your peace as you hold her close and surround her with your love and protection. She is your child first and mine second and no one can care for her better than you. Continue to provide her Daddy your guidance, love, peace and strength during this time so that our little girl remains strong and feels loved. Lord this is the prayer of a Mother's love. This is a prayer from your child for her child. This is a petition and prayer that I make in your son Jesus Christ name. Jesus who is my intercessor. Jesus who knows what each individual tear drop means as a say this prayer. In the mighty matchless name of Jesus Christ. A name above all names. Lord I pray this prayer. Amen.
I would love to say that after praying the guilty feeling went away. It didn't. However the tears stopped flowing. I felt a little stronger knowing that my God would put peace in my toddler's heart and soul.
A scripture in Romans comes to mind: we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
I wonder - whose character is being developed in this situation? Mine or my 2.5 year old or both.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Room Temperature Drama
OMG! The temperature in this room has a mind of its own. First it was ridiculously cold. I slept with 5 blankets because the maintenance person could not get the thermostat calibrated correctly. Arrrggghhhh! The nurses brought me warm blankets through the night.
Apparently it was not just my room the entire floor was cold. So the morning maintenance folks got the temperature back to normal except in my room. It was 85 degrees. The hubby came with my little one and thought he was in a sauna. LOL!
Another maintenance person came to the room and finally at 7 p.m. the temperature was fixed. But now I have the beginnings of a cold. My nose is a bit stuffy. I pray that this will not turn into a cold.
Maybe today will be better. My wonderful hair stylist has arranged for my hair to be braided today. Yeah!
Also today is week 27. Yippee! No contractions. No pain. No swelling. No bleeding. Nothing. Hmmmm wonder if I can begin bargaining with the doctor for a discharge at 28 weeks.
Apparently it was not just my room the entire floor was cold. So the morning maintenance folks got the temperature back to normal except in my room. It was 85 degrees. The hubby came with my little one and thought he was in a sauna. LOL!
Another maintenance person came to the room and finally at 7 p.m. the temperature was fixed. But now I have the beginnings of a cold. My nose is a bit stuffy. I pray that this will not turn into a cold.
Maybe today will be better. My wonderful hair stylist has arranged for my hair to be braided today. Yeah!
Also today is week 27. Yippee! No contractions. No pain. No swelling. No bleeding. Nothing. Hmmmm wonder if I can begin bargaining with the doctor for a discharge at 28 weeks.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
True Friends Are Not Friends - They Are Family
Yesterday was amazing and as I write this blog I fight back tears of happiness.
Yes, I am still in the hospital. And yes, I am still restricted to bed rest. However, I had visitors. First a wonderful couple that I have known for 7 years stopped by with a loaf of homemade banana bread. Because their four beautiful girls were disappointed that they could not visit they had a video of the girls telling me hi. Ohhhh how beautiful. Now when I have a tough or depressing day - I have one more vision in my arsenal to brighten my day. The stories MC & CC told me about the girls had me so tickled but also helped increase my confidence that the hubby and I will be able to handle raising two girls.
As if my heart was not already overwhelmed and filled with love and appreciation. The ladies from my Mommy's group decided to change their scheduled Mommy's outing to visit me. And just when I thought it could not get any better one of the Mommy's handed me a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich and garlic fries. Man does E. know me well. Then C gave me cookies from the best bakery in the area. Yummy! The oatmeal and raisin cookies made me want to smack the baker it was that good. LOL! And L gave me a slice of cake with chocolate chips. WOW! Everyone offers to help the hubby with our little one. We talked about our children, work, husbands. Our hubby's went to Vegas and us Mom's have not had our trip away from home yet because they keep getting us pregnant. We have big plans in the making for our trip away. And they will have to watch 2 children instead of 1. Yippee.
But I digress.
We eventually talked about what landed me in the hospital. Just then the doctor on call that day walks in and wouldn't you know it. This is C's doctor. How funny. With concerned looks they begin asking the questions my Mom, Husband, Sister and Brother would ask. They ask the questions I forgot to ask. Their inquiries are purely one of concern for me an my baby.
I am humbled even more. My heart begins to overflow. And I am reminded of scripture in Romans 12 that states: Love must be sincere. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
It is not until everyone leaves that I realize that somehow without my knowledge my family has increased. They have become my sisters and brothers. No this did not happen because of the visit. It happened before the visit. I just did not realize it until now.
Little do they know that I am fiercely loyal and devoted to those that have become family. But I hope that they all know that I truly love and appreciate each and everyone one of them. I pray that God always smiles on each one of them.
Yes - Yesterday was an amazing day.
Yes, I am still in the hospital. And yes, I am still restricted to bed rest. However, I had visitors. First a wonderful couple that I have known for 7 years stopped by with a loaf of homemade banana bread. Because their four beautiful girls were disappointed that they could not visit they had a video of the girls telling me hi. Ohhhh how beautiful. Now when I have a tough or depressing day - I have one more vision in my arsenal to brighten my day. The stories MC & CC told me about the girls had me so tickled but also helped increase my confidence that the hubby and I will be able to handle raising two girls.
As if my heart was not already overwhelmed and filled with love and appreciation. The ladies from my Mommy's group decided to change their scheduled Mommy's outing to visit me. And just when I thought it could not get any better one of the Mommy's handed me a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich and garlic fries. Man does E. know me well. Then C gave me cookies from the best bakery in the area. Yummy! The oatmeal and raisin cookies made me want to smack the baker it was that good. LOL! And L gave me a slice of cake with chocolate chips. WOW! Everyone offers to help the hubby with our little one. We talked about our children, work, husbands. Our hubby's went to Vegas and us Mom's have not had our trip away from home yet because they keep getting us pregnant. We have big plans in the making for our trip away. And they will have to watch 2 children instead of 1. Yippee.
But I digress.
We eventually talked about what landed me in the hospital. Just then the doctor on call that day walks in and wouldn't you know it. This is C's doctor. How funny. With concerned looks they begin asking the questions my Mom, Husband, Sister and Brother would ask. They ask the questions I forgot to ask. Their inquiries are purely one of concern for me an my baby.
I am humbled even more. My heart begins to overflow. And I am reminded of scripture in Romans 12 that states: Love must be sincere. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
It is not until everyone leaves that I realize that somehow without my knowledge my family has increased. They have become my sisters and brothers. No this did not happen because of the visit. It happened before the visit. I just did not realize it until now.
Little do they know that I am fiercely loyal and devoted to those that have become family. But I hope that they all know that I truly love and appreciate each and everyone one of them. I pray that God always smiles on each one of them.
Yes - Yesterday was an amazing day.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Bed rest in a Hospital Does Not = Rest
After the shock of finding out that I had to be in the hospital for a long long did I say long time. I decided to try to find the bright side. No dishes to clean. No house to clean. No clothes to wash. No toys to pick up. No chasing after the little one after a long day at work (actually I miss that part of my day.)
But the most important one . . . . wait for it. . . wait for it. . . . 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Ahhhhhh can you hear the heavenly music playing. Well scratch that record (for my younger readers - records is how we listened to music before MP3 and CD's). I still have my Prince 1999 album.
The first thing I learned is that bed rest (and this is not an educated answer it is only my opinion) means I am physically confined to the bed preferably in a lying down position. The goal is to prevent me from putting pressure on my cervix which is already more than 50% shorter than it should be at this time. According to the doctors my cervix should be between 2.5 and 3 centimeters but is 1.43 centimeters. Fascinating huh?
Anywho. . .Bed rest does not = sleep. Let me explain by describing my first few days in the hospital.
The baby has to be monitored as well as my contractions. This required that I have two circular monitors the size of a big cookie and about 1/4 inch thick strapped to my belly. Now one would think in an age of wireless computers that the monitors are wireless but nooooooooo. I was tethered to a computer by two wires.
Then there is the medication (Nifedipine - helps prevent contractions) which I have to take every 6 hours and also Prometrium (helps prevent prelabor) which is given once a day. The nurses had to take my vitals (blood pressure, oxygen level, temp) before giving me the Nifedipine because it reduces blood pressure. Vitals along with routine questions were also taken at each of the shift changes. Don't forget to include breakfast, lunch and dinner. So my typical day went like this:
2 a.m. - awaken to take Nifedipine
6 or 6:30 a.m. - awaken to monitor the baby, take vitals, answer questions
8 a.m. - breakfast, vitals, Nifedipine, Colace, Vitamins
9 a.m. - 12 p.m. - shower, Dr visits, room cleaned, nutritionist takes menu for next day, physical therapist visit
12 p.m. - lunch (yeah hubby visits)
2 p.m. - Nifedipine, vitals, monitor baby
3 p.m. - 5:30 p.m. -Snack and dare I take a nap
5:30 - 6 p.m. - Dinner (sometimes visit from hubby and my little one)
7:00 p.m. - Shift change vitals and questions
8 p.m. - Nifedipine, Colace, vitals
10 p.m. - Prometrium and baby monitored
11 p.m. - Sleep until 2 a.m. when it starts all over again.
Hmmm - not quite the 8 hours of continuous sleep I was expecting.
But God smiled on me and yesterday the Dr. agreed to have my 2 a.m. Nifedipine given to me at 12 a.m. and to allow me to rest uninterrupted from 12 a.m. - 8 a.m. Also, because the baby appears to be healthy in my belly she is only monitored once a day for 30 minutes. So now I only have one monitor on all day and so far so good my contractions have been few.
So call bed rest what you may but make no mistake about it. Bed rest for my unborn baby should really be called Life Saving Life Changing Rest.
Glory to God because today we have made it to week 27 of my pregnancy. Praise God for the little victories.
But the most important one . . . . wait for it. . . wait for it. . . . 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Ahhhhhh can you hear the heavenly music playing. Well scratch that record (for my younger readers - records is how we listened to music before MP3 and CD's). I still have my Prince 1999 album.
The first thing I learned is that bed rest (and this is not an educated answer it is only my opinion) means I am physically confined to the bed preferably in a lying down position. The goal is to prevent me from putting pressure on my cervix which is already more than 50% shorter than it should be at this time. According to the doctors my cervix should be between 2.5 and 3 centimeters but is 1.43 centimeters. Fascinating huh?
Anywho. . .Bed rest does not = sleep. Let me explain by describing my first few days in the hospital.
The baby has to be monitored as well as my contractions. This required that I have two circular monitors the size of a big cookie and about 1/4 inch thick strapped to my belly. Now one would think in an age of wireless computers that the monitors are wireless but nooooooooo. I was tethered to a computer by two wires.
Then there is the medication (Nifedipine - helps prevent contractions) which I have to take every 6 hours and also Prometrium (helps prevent prelabor) which is given once a day. The nurses had to take my vitals (blood pressure, oxygen level, temp) before giving me the Nifedipine because it reduces blood pressure. Vitals along with routine questions were also taken at each of the shift changes. Don't forget to include breakfast, lunch and dinner. So my typical day went like this:
2 a.m. - awaken to take Nifedipine
6 or 6:30 a.m. - awaken to monitor the baby, take vitals, answer questions
8 a.m. - breakfast, vitals, Nifedipine, Colace, Vitamins
9 a.m. - 12 p.m. - shower, Dr visits, room cleaned, nutritionist takes menu for next day, physical therapist visit
12 p.m. - lunch (yeah hubby visits)
2 p.m. - Nifedipine, vitals, monitor baby
3 p.m. - 5:30 p.m. -Snack and dare I take a nap
5:30 - 6 p.m. - Dinner (sometimes visit from hubby and my little one)
7:00 p.m. - Shift change vitals and questions
8 p.m. - Nifedipine, Colace, vitals
10 p.m. - Prometrium and baby monitored
11 p.m. - Sleep until 2 a.m. when it starts all over again.
Hmmm - not quite the 8 hours of continuous sleep I was expecting.
But God smiled on me and yesterday the Dr. agreed to have my 2 a.m. Nifedipine given to me at 12 a.m. and to allow me to rest uninterrupted from 12 a.m. - 8 a.m. Also, because the baby appears to be healthy in my belly she is only monitored once a day for 30 minutes. So now I only have one monitor on all day and so far so good my contractions have been few.
So call bed rest what you may but make no mistake about it. Bed rest for my unborn baby should really be called Life Saving Life Changing Rest.
Glory to God because today we have made it to week 27 of my pregnancy. Praise God for the little victories.
Friday, August 27, 2010
My Little One Visits Me
My toddler came running in the room yelling Mommy. What music to my ears. Her soprano voice almost brings tears to my eyes. She has her little routine now. We give each other hugs and lots of kisses. Her giggles ring through out the room. I kiss her and make her laugh until shes had enough. What makes me laugh myself to tears is that she keeps turning her head from side to side so to make sure that I kiss her on both sides of her face and neck.
She then takes off her jacket and shoes and starts playing with the buttons on the bed. The fact that she is able to make the bed move in a number of directions makes her start laughing all over again. I am sure these motions are not good for my "bed rest" so I move to a safe area while Daddy controls the situation.
During this time I take a moment to look at her hair. Daddy washed it for the first time yesterday. He did a great job. Even put barrettes in her hair. Good thing I put lots of braids in it so he did not have to comb it. Mommy still has to have some control - even from the hospital room.
She then has to take time to eat dinner that Daddy brought with him. Of course she wants Mommy's snacks and since I feel so guilty of not being home I give in. Daddy complains that she is getting "sugared up" and will be in for a long night because she will not go down easy at her 8:30 bedtime. I say it will be okay. After all its the weekend. Daddy chuckles meaning "yeah right". God Bless him he is a good man. I can see he is tired. Hopefully, the little one will sleep in longer and give Daddy a chance to rest longer.
Normally we would take a wheelchair ride around the hospital but I realize Daddy is very tired. I opt to put in a Backyardigan's DVD so the little one and I can have snuggle time. She hops up in the hospital bed with Mommy pulls up the cover on both of us, snuggles up under me and start watching the movie. One of the nurses pops a bag of popcorn for us and my little one and I have our private time eating popcorn and watching a movie. Somewhere during the middle of the movie she turns to me and says tickle Mommy and tries to tickle me. This lasts for a few short seconds before her attention is back to the Backyardigan's. Daddy is in the corner playing Sudoku. I am now totally convinced that Daddy is addicted to Sudoku.
The movie is over. Daddy says its time to go bye bye. My little one gets out of the bed and pulls on me and says "Mommy Up". She gets my shoes and makes me put them on. I fight back tears. I say "Baby get your shoes". I put on her shoes and jacket. She starts to walk towards the door then runs back to me and gives me a hug and kiss. I kiss her until she giggles. Daddy gives me a kiss. I say I love you. My baby says her version of I love you and then "See you tomorrow". They walk out the door. I smile but my feelings are bitter sweet. I am happy that my baby is not crying when she leaves Mommy behind and sad that I am not walking out with them.
Its about 8:30 p.m. The visit was about 2 hours. During those two hours this room was filled with sunshine unlike any other. All three of my babies were here. Daddy, my little one and the one on the way. Thank you Lord! I am blessed.
She then takes off her jacket and shoes and starts playing with the buttons on the bed. The fact that she is able to make the bed move in a number of directions makes her start laughing all over again. I am sure these motions are not good for my "bed rest" so I move to a safe area while Daddy controls the situation.
During this time I take a moment to look at her hair. Daddy washed it for the first time yesterday. He did a great job. Even put barrettes in her hair. Good thing I put lots of braids in it so he did not have to comb it. Mommy still has to have some control - even from the hospital room.
She then has to take time to eat dinner that Daddy brought with him. Of course she wants Mommy's snacks and since I feel so guilty of not being home I give in. Daddy complains that she is getting "sugared up" and will be in for a long night because she will not go down easy at her 8:30 bedtime. I say it will be okay. After all its the weekend. Daddy chuckles meaning "yeah right". God Bless him he is a good man. I can see he is tired. Hopefully, the little one will sleep in longer and give Daddy a chance to rest longer.
Normally we would take a wheelchair ride around the hospital but I realize Daddy is very tired. I opt to put in a Backyardigan's DVD so the little one and I can have snuggle time. She hops up in the hospital bed with Mommy pulls up the cover on both of us, snuggles up under me and start watching the movie. One of the nurses pops a bag of popcorn for us and my little one and I have our private time eating popcorn and watching a movie. Somewhere during the middle of the movie she turns to me and says tickle Mommy and tries to tickle me. This lasts for a few short seconds before her attention is back to the Backyardigan's. Daddy is in the corner playing Sudoku. I am now totally convinced that Daddy is addicted to Sudoku.
The movie is over. Daddy says its time to go bye bye. My little one gets out of the bed and pulls on me and says "Mommy Up". She gets my shoes and makes me put them on. I fight back tears. I say "Baby get your shoes". I put on her shoes and jacket. She starts to walk towards the door then runs back to me and gives me a hug and kiss. I kiss her until she giggles. Daddy gives me a kiss. I say I love you. My baby says her version of I love you and then "See you tomorrow". They walk out the door. I smile but my feelings are bitter sweet. I am happy that my baby is not crying when she leaves Mommy behind and sad that I am not walking out with them.
Its about 8:30 p.m. The visit was about 2 hours. During those two hours this room was filled with sunshine unlike any other. All three of my babies were here. Daddy, my little one and the one on the way. Thank you Lord! I am blessed.
7 Weeks of Bedrest in Hospital
I don't expect anyone to view this blog but I have to do something to maintain my sanity.
When I was 25 weeks pregnant my Doctor determined that my cervix was short. Very short. She informed me that this leads to preterm labor and immediately sent me to the hospital. Hubby was out of town and my toddler was in preschool so arrangements had to be made for my little ones care. 3 hours later I was in the hospital.
The first 24 hours consisted of taking medication to prevent contractions, 2 shots of steriods which helps develop the baby's lungs in case of premature birth and montioring the baby and my contractions. Yep I said contractions and at 25 weeks that is really not a good thing.
24 hours later I was advised that I would be in the hospital until I reached 32 weeks. WHAT?! WOW that was unexpected and of course spending 7 weeks in the hospital was not part of the game plan. Not to mention I would miss my little one something terrible. Oh and I would miss the hubby too.
So after the tears and pity party I prepared myself to spend one week in the hospital. After all, I have a toddler that needs her Mama. Well the first week has come and gone and the Doctor has not changed her mind. But now I am allowed a wheelchair ride once a day so I can get some fresh air which ultimately helps prevent me from becoming depressed.
The neo-natal Dr. visited to discuss all of the complications that could occur in a baby born at 25 or 26 weeks. It did not help that I also watched the medical channel and witness the birth of a baby at 26 weeks and everything the Dr said could happen, happened to the little girl on the show. Heart surgery at 26 weeks. My goodness. That really put things in perspective. This little one really needs to stay cooking in Mama's belly for as long as possible. I have to get over feeling guilty that my toddler is not going to have Mama in the house for a couple of months. She is healthy and Daddy is taking good care of her. Not to mention the support from my Mommy's group and family is outstanding. I have to spend this short time focusing on the health of this little one that has to keep cooking in Mama's belly so she can be healthy as well.
My days are fairly routine. Medication is taken at 8 a.m. 2 p.m. 8 p.m. 10 p.m. 2 a.m. Baby is monitored once every 8 hours. Contractions are monitored all day long. Breakfast 8 a.m., snack 10 a.m. lunch 12 p.m. snack 3 p.m. dinner 6 p.m. The food is not bad and you can get "healthy" snacks almost anytime of the day. Of course I have my stash of goodies that my Hubby brought. The nurses are awesome. They are my link to the outside world. Sometimes I ask for them to leave the door open so I can hear voices and conversations. Believe me it is nothing like Greys Anatomy. I have not heard of any affairs with doctors yet. LOL! But seriously the nurses are great.
Today the Dr. agreed to reduce the amount of time the baby is on the monitor. The baby still has a lot of room in my belly so it is hard to get a 30 min reading of her heart. She will not stay still. Not to mention this one kicks the monitor every time. The nurses get tickled by it. Can girls be football players? Also, Dr agreed to change the 2 a.m. medication to 12 a.m. so I can get at least 6 or 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Yeah.
My time is spent playing on the computer, finding movies on Netflix that I can watch on the computer, completing latch hook projects, reading and spending time in worship. When I wake up and realize that my spirits are low, I remember why I am doing this and find strength from my faith in God.
The Hubby is bringing our little one to the hospital today. Her smile lights up the world for me. Her hugs and kisses warms my heart and soul. Soon as I get my hugs and kisses she hops in the bed and starts playing with the bed controls. Up down up down up down. I comb her hair. She eats my snacks. We watch Backyardiagns or Yo Gabba Gabba. Take a ride in the wheelchair. All the while my Hubby looks at us lovingly while shaking his head and smiling at the craziness we cause. Then again he may just be thinking that he really needs to get a boy dog to balance off the fact that he will have three girls in his house after the baby is born. Man is he out numbered.
Well - 1 week down and 6 to go.
Bedrest Mama
When I was 25 weeks pregnant my Doctor determined that my cervix was short. Very short. She informed me that this leads to preterm labor and immediately sent me to the hospital. Hubby was out of town and my toddler was in preschool so arrangements had to be made for my little ones care. 3 hours later I was in the hospital.
The first 24 hours consisted of taking medication to prevent contractions, 2 shots of steriods which helps develop the baby's lungs in case of premature birth and montioring the baby and my contractions. Yep I said contractions and at 25 weeks that is really not a good thing.
24 hours later I was advised that I would be in the hospital until I reached 32 weeks. WHAT?! WOW that was unexpected and of course spending 7 weeks in the hospital was not part of the game plan. Not to mention I would miss my little one something terrible. Oh and I would miss the hubby too.
So after the tears and pity party I prepared myself to spend one week in the hospital. After all, I have a toddler that needs her Mama. Well the first week has come and gone and the Doctor has not changed her mind. But now I am allowed a wheelchair ride once a day so I can get some fresh air which ultimately helps prevent me from becoming depressed.
The neo-natal Dr. visited to discuss all of the complications that could occur in a baby born at 25 or 26 weeks. It did not help that I also watched the medical channel and witness the birth of a baby at 26 weeks and everything the Dr said could happen, happened to the little girl on the show. Heart surgery at 26 weeks. My goodness. That really put things in perspective. This little one really needs to stay cooking in Mama's belly for as long as possible. I have to get over feeling guilty that my toddler is not going to have Mama in the house for a couple of months. She is healthy and Daddy is taking good care of her. Not to mention the support from my Mommy's group and family is outstanding. I have to spend this short time focusing on the health of this little one that has to keep cooking in Mama's belly so she can be healthy as well.
My days are fairly routine. Medication is taken at 8 a.m. 2 p.m. 8 p.m. 10 p.m. 2 a.m. Baby is monitored once every 8 hours. Contractions are monitored all day long. Breakfast 8 a.m., snack 10 a.m. lunch 12 p.m. snack 3 p.m. dinner 6 p.m. The food is not bad and you can get "healthy" snacks almost anytime of the day. Of course I have my stash of goodies that my Hubby brought. The nurses are awesome. They are my link to the outside world. Sometimes I ask for them to leave the door open so I can hear voices and conversations. Believe me it is nothing like Greys Anatomy. I have not heard of any affairs with doctors yet. LOL! But seriously the nurses are great.
Today the Dr. agreed to reduce the amount of time the baby is on the monitor. The baby still has a lot of room in my belly so it is hard to get a 30 min reading of her heart. She will not stay still. Not to mention this one kicks the monitor every time. The nurses get tickled by it. Can girls be football players? Also, Dr agreed to change the 2 a.m. medication to 12 a.m. so I can get at least 6 or 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Yeah.
My time is spent playing on the computer, finding movies on Netflix that I can watch on the computer, completing latch hook projects, reading and spending time in worship. When I wake up and realize that my spirits are low, I remember why I am doing this and find strength from my faith in God.
The Hubby is bringing our little one to the hospital today. Her smile lights up the world for me. Her hugs and kisses warms my heart and soul. Soon as I get my hugs and kisses she hops in the bed and starts playing with the bed controls. Up down up down up down. I comb her hair. She eats my snacks. We watch Backyardiagns or Yo Gabba Gabba. Take a ride in the wheelchair. All the while my Hubby looks at us lovingly while shaking his head and smiling at the craziness we cause. Then again he may just be thinking that he really needs to get a boy dog to balance off the fact that he will have three girls in his house after the baby is born. Man is he out numbered.
Well - 1 week down and 6 to go.
Bedrest Mama
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