Sunday my daughter visited me and as always I filled her up with hugs and kisses. I combed her hair and we watched a movie. She ate and played. Then she decided it was time to go. So she pointed to the door, got my shoes and said Mommy up. She was ready to go. Mommy was ready to go also. I tried explaining as best I could to my 2.5 year old that Mommy has to stay. She threw her jacket on the floor and refused to pick it up and put it on. Under no circumstance did she want to leave without Mommy and she was doing her best to let us know that she was not happy. I sat in the room crying while listening to my daughter's cries getting softer as she walked farther away from the room.
Of course, I knew that Daddy was in for a long night. Daddy later told me that she really was sad and that he had to lay down with her that night and talk to her until she dosed off.
No one every tells you how much your heart breaks when you see sadness in your child's eyes and realize that you do not have the ability to put the joy and spark back into her eyes. Even worse is knowing that you are the cause.
I once again I start to feel like I am putting one child's well being over another. My unborn child's health verses my toddler's emotions and desire for her Mommy.
Guilt floods my soul. All I can do is cry and pray to the Lord.
Lord please keep the joy and peace in my daughter's soul. Don't let the sparkle in her eyes or the gentleness of her character go away. Take away all sadness. Send your angels to comfort her to sleep. When she dreams let her dream of Mommy holding her tight or chasing her through the park and swinging her in the air. Always let her laughter fill the house. For her laughter is medicinal to our home and anyone within hearing distance. Most importantly allow her to feel your presence and your peace as you hold her close and surround her with your love and protection. She is your child first and mine second and no one can care for her better than you. Continue to provide her Daddy your guidance, love, peace and strength during this time so that our little girl remains strong and feels loved. Lord this is the prayer of a Mother's love. This is a prayer from your child for her child. This is a petition and prayer that I make in your son Jesus Christ name. Jesus who is my intercessor. Jesus who knows what each individual tear drop means as a say this prayer. In the mighty matchless name of Jesus Christ. A name above all names. Lord I pray this prayer. Amen.
I would love to say that after praying the guilty feeling went away. It didn't. However the tears stopped flowing. I felt a little stronger knowing that my God would put peace in my toddler's heart and soul.
A scripture in Romans comes to mind: we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
I wonder - whose character is being developed in this situation? Mine or my 2.5 year old or both.
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