I finally got out of the house. Of course this was for a doctor's appointment. However, the weather was so beautiful. As usual due to California traffic we were late to the appointment but the doctor was also running late. My Hubby, never one to disappoint, always says something embarrassing which is ultimately funny. This time as one lady was called into an appointment he told her to "have fun". As I covered my face with a magazine, the lady and nurse laughed. That has to be the perfect thing to tell a lady as she walks into a GYN appointment. Gotta love him.
At this doctor's appointment I had to have my cervix checked and take a fetal fibronectin test. My cervix is closed but soft. So that is what you call good and bad news. The baby is still hanging very low which continues to place pressure on the cervix. Personally I think she is staying low so her feet can continue to have a good aim at my bladder. Girly girl or not she is going to play soccer.
Now let me explain a little about fetal fibronectin (fFN). According the website http://www.ffntest.com/info/fetal_test.html
"Fetal fibronectin (fFN) is a "glue-like" protein your body makes to hold your baby in your womb. When your body is getting ready to give birth, this glue breaks down and leaks out of the uterus. Measuring the level of fetal fibronectin through a simple test can show if your body is getting ready to give birth."
The fFN test determines how much fFN is present and helps predict preterm labor. Because I am less that 35 weeks pregnant very little fFN should be present. The fFN test is not painful just a little uncomfortable but no different that an annual pap smear exam. The results come back the next day and is over 99% accurate. If the result is positive then my body has started "leaking fFN into the vagina" and is preparing itself for labor. My doctor stated that a positive result means I could go into labor within the next 10 days. The Hubby asked what a negative result means and the Dr. indicated that there is less than a .03% chance of me delivering in two weeks. This is my second fFN test. My first one was given to me when I was 25 weeks and it was negative. Now we are waiting for my 29 week result.
If the test results are positive the Dr stated that we are already taking the necessary precautions which is bed rest and taking medication that prevents contractions.
My bed rest has been upgraded so that I am now allowed to sit in a reclining position with my feet up. The Dr. does not want me to get clots in my legs from laying down so much. I am still not allowed to do any thing like cooking, cleaning, lifting or chasing my daughter. However, when the Dr said I can recline with my legs up I said "self . . . this would be a good time to get a pedicure after all the spa chair reclines and my feet would be up." So I asked the Dr. and she said yes. YEAH! Well the Hubby said no . . . not until we get the results of the fFN test. The Dr. laughed but said it was still okay for me to have a pedicure.
After the doctor's visit the Hubby took me to have lunch. It was nice sitting outside in the sunshine just the two of us talking, laughing and not worrying about the current situation. I love me some him!
Now back to my modified bed rest where I wait for the fFN test results. We pray for negative results.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Hemorrhoids Anyone?
Oh the pain the pain the pain . . . of hemorrhoids. I swear my hemorrhoids have had baby hemorrhoids. I really think that the hemorrhoids have a party to celebrate the birth of newest addition to the hemorrhoid family. Then to make matters more exciting lets just add constipation to the mix which must be 1st cousin to the hemorrhoid family.
What came first hemorrhoid or constipation? Who cares both are painful. I use Tucks and some type of hydrocordizone cream for the hemorrhoids. Colace is a stool softener that I take twice a day and instead of taking vitamins everyday I take it every other day. This seems to help prevent the constipation.
Now just when I thought it could not possibly get any worse, the little one in my womb thinks my bladder is a soccer ball. Of course this sends me running to the bathroom or changing my clothes. The other day this child kicked me so hard I thought her foot had come out of my womb. Not to mention she loves hanging out very low so when I stand up to go to the bathroom it feels like her whole two pounds is on my bladder. I look like an old woman doubled over. What does this mean? More pain and the only medication is called BED REST!
Okay so yes I have adapted to being on bed rest. But when you toss in hemorrhoids it is difficult to get comfortable in the bed. The best position would be to lay on my stomach or on my back. However both of those positions are uncomfortable with this growing belly. So laying down on my side requires strategic positioning and pillows.
While I joke about this there is a scary side to the situation. Since my cervix is short the last thing I need to do is bare down or push anything out of my body. Each time I am in that situation, I worry that I am putting more pressure on the cervix and running the risk of going into premature labor. The goal is to take every precaution to prevent constipation. But try as I might this issue continues to present itself.
For now I just have to role with the punches or I guess I should say rock with the punches because that is what I have to do to get out of bed with this big ole tummy of mine. After all we have made it to 29 weeks and 2 days.
I can do this. Right God?
What came first hemorrhoid or constipation? Who cares both are painful. I use Tucks and some type of hydrocordizone cream for the hemorrhoids. Colace is a stool softener that I take twice a day and instead of taking vitamins everyday I take it every other day. This seems to help prevent the constipation.
Now just when I thought it could not possibly get any worse, the little one in my womb thinks my bladder is a soccer ball. Of course this sends me running to the bathroom or changing my clothes. The other day this child kicked me so hard I thought her foot had come out of my womb. Not to mention she loves hanging out very low so when I stand up to go to the bathroom it feels like her whole two pounds is on my bladder. I look like an old woman doubled over. What does this mean? More pain and the only medication is called BED REST!
Okay so yes I have adapted to being on bed rest. But when you toss in hemorrhoids it is difficult to get comfortable in the bed. The best position would be to lay on my stomach or on my back. However both of those positions are uncomfortable with this growing belly. So laying down on my side requires strategic positioning and pillows.
While I joke about this there is a scary side to the situation. Since my cervix is short the last thing I need to do is bare down or push anything out of my body. Each time I am in that situation, I worry that I am putting more pressure on the cervix and running the risk of going into premature labor. The goal is to take every precaution to prevent constipation. But try as I might this issue continues to present itself.
For now I just have to role with the punches or I guess I should say rock with the punches because that is what I have to do to get out of bed with this big ole tummy of mine. After all we have made it to 29 weeks and 2 days.
I can do this. Right God?
Sunday, September 12, 2010
At Home
Well I have been home for 5 days now. My husband's mother, aunt and uncle have taken care of our little one since I returned home to give my husband a break and time for both of us to adjust to me being home. They brought her home last night. I am grateful that we have family to help.
Being home has its advantages. I get to choose between three rooms where I will stay that day. I can see and hear activities outside like dogs barking and children laughing and playing. Also, now there are over 100 channels that have absolutely nothing on that I want to watch. But hey, at least I have more choices. Most importantly, I get my daily fix of my little one. She always comes running into the room yelling Mommy and jumping in the bed to give me a hug and kiss. The she proceeds to eat or drink whatever I have within her reach. Seeing the Hubby everyday also has its perks.
There are some disadvantages. Remembering to take my medication at the right time is not easy especially if I fall asleep and miss taking a dose. To prevent this I set 5 alarms on my cell phone and keep it under my pillow. So far so good. Next every little pain causes me to worry. Is that a contraction or is that just because of the position of the baby? The Hubby is concerned if I look like I am in pain or moan when I roll over so now I am mindful of these to keep his mind at ease. I hate left-overs but it ensures that if the Hubby is not around to fix me something to eat then I am only on my feet for a few minutes heating something up in the microwave. He is not a bad cook so that is a plus. But the hardest is staying in the bed when my little one is pulling on me and asking me to get up because she wants me to play with her or go outside. So far I have only given in to going downstairs and laying on the couch so I can watch her play with her toys.
In the three weeks that I was in the hospital there were changes at home. I feel like I have missed so much being in the hospital. Of course everyone including myself said this is only a short time. But a child changes and learns so much every day. When I came home it felt as though I missed her first steps or better yet her first sentence. All of this just gives me another good reason to follow the doctor's instructions so I can stay home as long as possible.
Well for my own memories, I should document some of the changes that I noticed in my little one when I came home.
First our little one has a little trouble self soothing when she goes to bed now. This is understandable since Mommy has been away and the daily routine changed. Daddy has to lay down with her now for a little while to get her to relax and provide reassurance that everything is okay. This is something we have not had to do since she was 6 or 7 months except when she was sick or her favorite blanket was being washed or was missing. Nothing I can do now but lay in the bed and let Daddy handle it. The two of them have a stronger bond. I am a little jealous because now she wants Daddy to sooth her to sleep.
Second, regardless of when she cries or the reason she cries . . . I cry. I hope it is only hormones but I cannot stand to hear her cries. Even when I know it is a fake cry. It is also difficult to see Daddy discipline her but it is for her own good and it is the same thing I would do if I could be up and about. I must say she had it better than me because there was no such thing as a "time out" when I was growing up.
Third, her vocabulary has increased. I could tell in the hospital but it was not until I came home that I could really see the difference. Now she says you are welcome, instead of welcome. Its mine instead of mine. What is that instead of pointing. Over there or right there instead of pointing. She can now say her numbers up to 15 or 20 depending on her mood. She is also able to identify colors. Apparently our decision to take her to speech therapy and put her in pre-school was a good decision.
Fourth, that little girl can be bossy. LOL! Well for those of you that know me . . . you probably are saying the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Finally, that little girl pays attention to everything and she only needs to see it once or twice to understand how something works. For those of you that know me . . . she must have got that from her Daddy's side. LOL!
Yesterday, she decided to take my phone and call someone. She unlocked the phone which is no shocker because she has been doing that for months now. However, she now knows that the icons on the phone will allow her to see pictures, video or call someone. All she has to do is touch the right icon. Now I am in shock because first she was trying to get to the video that I showed her earlier. Then she called (yes - I said called) our Aunt Glo. My aunt was cracking up because the first 30 seconds of the call all she heard was the two of us laughing and me saying "who did you call" "give me the phone" "give me the phone little girl". This bed rest thing really has me limited. Glad it was my Aunt and not my boss that she called.
Being home has its advantages. I get to choose between three rooms where I will stay that day. I can see and hear activities outside like dogs barking and children laughing and playing. Also, now there are over 100 channels that have absolutely nothing on that I want to watch. But hey, at least I have more choices. Most importantly, I get my daily fix of my little one. She always comes running into the room yelling Mommy and jumping in the bed to give me a hug and kiss. The she proceeds to eat or drink whatever I have within her reach. Seeing the Hubby everyday also has its perks.
There are some disadvantages. Remembering to take my medication at the right time is not easy especially if I fall asleep and miss taking a dose. To prevent this I set 5 alarms on my cell phone and keep it under my pillow. So far so good. Next every little pain causes me to worry. Is that a contraction or is that just because of the position of the baby? The Hubby is concerned if I look like I am in pain or moan when I roll over so now I am mindful of these to keep his mind at ease. I hate left-overs but it ensures that if the Hubby is not around to fix me something to eat then I am only on my feet for a few minutes heating something up in the microwave. He is not a bad cook so that is a plus. But the hardest is staying in the bed when my little one is pulling on me and asking me to get up because she wants me to play with her or go outside. So far I have only given in to going downstairs and laying on the couch so I can watch her play with her toys.
In the three weeks that I was in the hospital there were changes at home. I feel like I have missed so much being in the hospital. Of course everyone including myself said this is only a short time. But a child changes and learns so much every day. When I came home it felt as though I missed her first steps or better yet her first sentence. All of this just gives me another good reason to follow the doctor's instructions so I can stay home as long as possible.
Well for my own memories, I should document some of the changes that I noticed in my little one when I came home.
First our little one has a little trouble self soothing when she goes to bed now. This is understandable since Mommy has been away and the daily routine changed. Daddy has to lay down with her now for a little while to get her to relax and provide reassurance that everything is okay. This is something we have not had to do since she was 6 or 7 months except when she was sick or her favorite blanket was being washed or was missing. Nothing I can do now but lay in the bed and let Daddy handle it. The two of them have a stronger bond. I am a little jealous because now she wants Daddy to sooth her to sleep.
Second, regardless of when she cries or the reason she cries . . . I cry. I hope it is only hormones but I cannot stand to hear her cries. Even when I know it is a fake cry. It is also difficult to see Daddy discipline her but it is for her own good and it is the same thing I would do if I could be up and about. I must say she had it better than me because there was no such thing as a "time out" when I was growing up.
Third, her vocabulary has increased. I could tell in the hospital but it was not until I came home that I could really see the difference. Now she says you are welcome, instead of welcome. Its mine instead of mine. What is that instead of pointing. Over there or right there instead of pointing. She can now say her numbers up to 15 or 20 depending on her mood. She is also able to identify colors. Apparently our decision to take her to speech therapy and put her in pre-school was a good decision.
Fourth, that little girl can be bossy. LOL! Well for those of you that know me . . . you probably are saying the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Finally, that little girl pays attention to everything and she only needs to see it once or twice to understand how something works. For those of you that know me . . . she must have got that from her Daddy's side. LOL!
Yesterday, she decided to take my phone and call someone. She unlocked the phone which is no shocker because she has been doing that for months now. However, she now knows that the icons on the phone will allow her to see pictures, video or call someone. All she has to do is touch the right icon. Now I am in shock because first she was trying to get to the video that I showed her earlier. Then she called (yes - I said called) our Aunt Glo. My aunt was cracking up because the first 30 seconds of the call all she heard was the two of us laughing and me saying "who did you call" "give me the phone" "give me the phone little girl". This bed rest thing really has me limited. Glad it was my Aunt and not my boss that she called.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
FREEDOM - Well Sort of
Labor Day marked week 28 for this little one. At 27 weeks and 6 days it was not looking good. I should clarify that the baby was looking good. Strong heartbeat, approx. weight 2 lbs 2 oz, all limbs, fingers and toes in the proper place, spine, brain and kidneys all looked good according to the ultra sound. But my cervix continued to let me down. For the past 3 weeks, the strict bed rest regimen did not prevent my cervix from getting shorter. This was disappointing news and I had no idea how I would manage to wrap my mind around staying in the hospital for another 4 weeks.
Oh don't get me wrong. Friends and family have been overwhelmingly supportive and a true blessing. My little one had days that she was okay with leaving Mommy. And God bless him . . . my Hubby had things under control at home. Plus he was receiving the same type of support from family and friends. Our little one's God Parents would travel over an hour to help take her to pre-school and other appointments. And my Mother-in-law is in town for a little over a week.
But as you can tell from my previous blog, I was expecting Dr. B to keep me in the hospital. My Hubby decided to leave our little one with his Mom and stay the night in the hospital with me. That was a well needed surprise. Plus it reminded me that we were in this together. His support helped me prepare myself for the bad news.
Monday morning, Dr. B came in and said she wanted to check my cervix before making a decision. While they prepared me for this exam, my Hubby was asking Dr. B a ton of questions. THAT'S MY MAN! I was so happy to have him here during this process. I also knew that I would need his shoulder to cry on when Dr. B said I had to stay.
To our surprise the cervix was closed. Well not totally closed but closed enough that Dr. B would allow me to go home. Words can not describe my emotions. Not to mention I was embarrassed about my breakdown the previous day.
Then my Hubby started asking questions again. This time he asked questions I didn't want him to ask because I didn't want Dr. B to change her mind. "Are you sure this will not cause her to go into labor?" "How safe is it for her to be home if the cervix is still short?" etc. etc. etc. Now I want to say hush man! But THAT'S MY MAN. He looks after his girls no matter what.
Now the conditions of my release required strict bed rest. Basically, I have bathroom privileges. Nothing more. Dr. B made me swear on my family that I would behave. Okay wrong word. I agreed to do as she instructed. Even when I go to doctor appointments, Dr. B wants me to be in the backseat laying down. Gotta love her dedication to keeping this baby in as long as possible.
So around 12 p.m. Labor Day I left the antepartum department in a wheel chair with my Hubby. It was hot but I rode with the windows down in the car because I wanted to feel the air. Not to mention, it will be at least a week before I am able to get out again for my doctors appointment.
Home is a beautiful place. Our daughter is not home but her presence is felt in each room. Probably because she has toys in every single room in the house. LOL! I immediately start asking questions. "Why did you let the plant die?" "Why didn't you throw that away?" "What is this?" etc. etc. My Hubby says, I am taking you back if you don't go upstairs and get in the bed. That is all the threat I need.
Bed rest sucks big time. But not so much now that I am in my own bed and able to see the park, trees and playground from my window.
This is probably the best Labor Day ever. Today will be even better when our little one comes home and sees me. I am dreaming of that smile and hug now. The only thing that will be missing is me picking her up and swinging her around.
Thank you Lord for your blessings!
Oh don't get me wrong. Friends and family have been overwhelmingly supportive and a true blessing. My little one had days that she was okay with leaving Mommy. And God bless him . . . my Hubby had things under control at home. Plus he was receiving the same type of support from family and friends. Our little one's God Parents would travel over an hour to help take her to pre-school and other appointments. And my Mother-in-law is in town for a little over a week.
But as you can tell from my previous blog, I was expecting Dr. B to keep me in the hospital. My Hubby decided to leave our little one with his Mom and stay the night in the hospital with me. That was a well needed surprise. Plus it reminded me that we were in this together. His support helped me prepare myself for the bad news.
Monday morning, Dr. B came in and said she wanted to check my cervix before making a decision. While they prepared me for this exam, my Hubby was asking Dr. B a ton of questions. THAT'S MY MAN! I was so happy to have him here during this process. I also knew that I would need his shoulder to cry on when Dr. B said I had to stay.
To our surprise the cervix was closed. Well not totally closed but closed enough that Dr. B would allow me to go home. Words can not describe my emotions. Not to mention I was embarrassed about my breakdown the previous day.
Then my Hubby started asking questions again. This time he asked questions I didn't want him to ask because I didn't want Dr. B to change her mind. "Are you sure this will not cause her to go into labor?" "How safe is it for her to be home if the cervix is still short?" etc. etc. etc. Now I want to say hush man! But THAT'S MY MAN. He looks after his girls no matter what.
Now the conditions of my release required strict bed rest. Basically, I have bathroom privileges. Nothing more. Dr. B made me swear on my family that I would behave. Okay wrong word. I agreed to do as she instructed. Even when I go to doctor appointments, Dr. B wants me to be in the backseat laying down. Gotta love her dedication to keeping this baby in as long as possible.
So around 12 p.m. Labor Day I left the antepartum department in a wheel chair with my Hubby. It was hot but I rode with the windows down in the car because I wanted to feel the air. Not to mention, it will be at least a week before I am able to get out again for my doctors appointment.
Home is a beautiful place. Our daughter is not home but her presence is felt in each room. Probably because she has toys in every single room in the house. LOL! I immediately start asking questions. "Why did you let the plant die?" "Why didn't you throw that away?" "What is this?" etc. etc. My Hubby says, I am taking you back if you don't go upstairs and get in the bed. That is all the threat I need.
Bed rest sucks big time. But not so much now that I am in my own bed and able to see the park, trees and playground from my window.
This is probably the best Labor Day ever. Today will be even better when our little one comes home and sees me. I am dreaming of that smile and hug now. The only thing that will be missing is me picking her up and swinging her around.
Thank you Lord for your blessings!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A Really Difficult Day
Well I woke up this morning in a good mood. Apparently, my AMEZ (i.e. Methodist) upbringing must have kicked in because I only had hymns on my tongue. First was "Nothing but the Blood" and then "How Great Thou Are." One of the nurses walked in and asked if I was having church and if I was Catholic because she heard the tradition version of "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood" playing on my computer. Guess I was. She mentioned that they could bring a minister in to talk to me but I told her I could download a sermon and it was okay.
Then Dr. B came to visit me. She of course was not pleased with the ultra sound results. My cervix at 1.2 cm means that it is shorter than when I first came to the hospital. She was hoping that my cervix would have remained the same. I like that Dr. B is cautious. But I really want to go home. Really if staying in the bed in the hospital has not stabilized my cervix then why not have bed rest at home.
My mood is really going downhill at this point. Dr. B stated she would discuss this situation with Dr. W (the perinotologist). Dr. B wants to determine if there are additional things that can be done to stabilize my cervix. All of her comments and concerns make since and are valid and my head and heart know this but I still want to go home.
Let me see how I can explain my emotions.
I miss being around my 2.5 year old and my husband. I feel as though I have neglected them during this time. Especially my little one. Yes, the Hubby is doing an awesome job and he is supportive. But I am the Mommy and my little girl needs her Mommy. So I feel guilty. Guilty that I am choosing to care for one child over another.
At the same time I wonder what more could or should I have done to prevent this situation. Should I have allowed Dr. B to take me off work sooner instead of convincing her that I would be okay with a reduced work schedule. Should I have voiced my concerns about the pressure I was feeling earlier and not just assume that it was natural for me to feel that way for the 2nd pregnancy. Again - Guilt.
Then I just want to get up and walk out of this hospital because this entire situation is overwhelming. Mainly because I am afraid of becoming so depressed that I will be no good for this child or my family. And I think how selfish of me. More Guilt.
I wonder if this is all worth it. Geez - How selfish of me. Now I feel horrible. How can I even bring that thought into my mind. Of course our daughter is worth it. GUILT!!!!
Can I beat myself up any more. Yes, I can! Because I am positive this baby growing inside of me can feel each and every one of my emotions and understand my thoughts. How crazy is that? Does it matter? No! Because that is how I feel and my feelings are valid. Well at least to me - my feelings are valid.
So I cry and cry and cry and cry. It is a vicious cycle. My nurse comes in and just sits and rubs my back and doesn't say a word. I cry even harder because I do not deserve to be comforted. Oh if she only knew my thoughts.
I called my Hubby crying uncontrollably. I need you. Just come now, please. He comes to the hospital and just holds me and lays down with me while I continue to cry. I try to explain what is going on with me emotionally but I am a blubbering mess. Eventually, I tell him everything and ended it with I am such a horrible Mother.
He waits for me to finish and after a few moments he says . . . "Do you remember what you told our daughter the other day?" I said "no" He said you told her "Mommy wants to be with you but she is staying in the hospital so your sister will be healthy." Hmmm - I really don't remember saying that to her. Well it was not until after he left that I remember. My little one was laying in the bed and just looked up at me and said Mommy? Along with something else I could not understand. However, it sounded like a question. So I that was how I answered her. I remember getting a kiss shortly after.
Then he says . . . do you remember what you said after our daughter was born. I say "of course not". He said that when I first held her I said "all that bed rest and pain was worth seeing you."
Well now I am crying for a totally different reason.
First, I have the greatest Husband in the world and that he is truly my blessing sent by God. He remembers the most important parts of our life and reminds me of those times especially when I am beating myself up. Second, I am not a horrible Mommy. I am just having a horrible day. Finally, no matter what, I will always do what is best for our children.
I would love to end this post by saying after my Husband left my day was better. But that would not be a true statement. I still feel guilty and a little depressed. I have been crying off an on all day and several times while writing this blog.
However, I am certain that tomorrow will be a better day. After all that will mean my little one stayed in the belly for 28 weeks. Everyday she stays in makes her stronger. So I say thank you, Lord. Regardless, of my day. . . Thank you, Lord.
Romans 8
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Proverbs 3
My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Then Dr. B came to visit me. She of course was not pleased with the ultra sound results. My cervix at 1.2 cm means that it is shorter than when I first came to the hospital. She was hoping that my cervix would have remained the same. I like that Dr. B is cautious. But I really want to go home. Really if staying in the bed in the hospital has not stabilized my cervix then why not have bed rest at home.
My mood is really going downhill at this point. Dr. B stated she would discuss this situation with Dr. W (the perinotologist). Dr. B wants to determine if there are additional things that can be done to stabilize my cervix. All of her comments and concerns make since and are valid and my head and heart know this but I still want to go home.
Let me see how I can explain my emotions.
I miss being around my 2.5 year old and my husband. I feel as though I have neglected them during this time. Especially my little one. Yes, the Hubby is doing an awesome job and he is supportive. But I am the Mommy and my little girl needs her Mommy. So I feel guilty. Guilty that I am choosing to care for one child over another.
At the same time I wonder what more could or should I have done to prevent this situation. Should I have allowed Dr. B to take me off work sooner instead of convincing her that I would be okay with a reduced work schedule. Should I have voiced my concerns about the pressure I was feeling earlier and not just assume that it was natural for me to feel that way for the 2nd pregnancy. Again - Guilt.
Then I just want to get up and walk out of this hospital because this entire situation is overwhelming. Mainly because I am afraid of becoming so depressed that I will be no good for this child or my family. And I think how selfish of me. More Guilt.
I wonder if this is all worth it. Geez - How selfish of me. Now I feel horrible. How can I even bring that thought into my mind. Of course our daughter is worth it. GUILT!!!!
Can I beat myself up any more. Yes, I can! Because I am positive this baby growing inside of me can feel each and every one of my emotions and understand my thoughts. How crazy is that? Does it matter? No! Because that is how I feel and my feelings are valid. Well at least to me - my feelings are valid.
So I cry and cry and cry and cry. It is a vicious cycle. My nurse comes in and just sits and rubs my back and doesn't say a word. I cry even harder because I do not deserve to be comforted. Oh if she only knew my thoughts.
I called my Hubby crying uncontrollably. I need you. Just come now, please. He comes to the hospital and just holds me and lays down with me while I continue to cry. I try to explain what is going on with me emotionally but I am a blubbering mess. Eventually, I tell him everything and ended it with I am such a horrible Mother.
He waits for me to finish and after a few moments he says . . . "Do you remember what you told our daughter the other day?" I said "no" He said you told her "Mommy wants to be with you but she is staying in the hospital so your sister will be healthy." Hmmm - I really don't remember saying that to her. Well it was not until after he left that I remember. My little one was laying in the bed and just looked up at me and said Mommy? Along with something else I could not understand. However, it sounded like a question. So I that was how I answered her. I remember getting a kiss shortly after.
Then he says . . . do you remember what you said after our daughter was born. I say "of course not". He said that when I first held her I said "all that bed rest and pain was worth seeing you."
Well now I am crying for a totally different reason.
First, I have the greatest Husband in the world and that he is truly my blessing sent by God. He remembers the most important parts of our life and reminds me of those times especially when I am beating myself up. Second, I am not a horrible Mommy. I am just having a horrible day. Finally, no matter what, I will always do what is best for our children.
I would love to end this post by saying after my Husband left my day was better. But that would not be a true statement. I still feel guilty and a little depressed. I have been crying off an on all day and several times while writing this blog.
However, I am certain that tomorrow will be a better day. After all that will mean my little one stayed in the belly for 28 weeks. Everyday she stays in makes her stronger. So I say thank you, Lord. Regardless, of my day. . . Thank you, Lord.
Romans 8
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Proverbs 3
My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Wedding Anniversary
Today is our 6th Wedding Anniversary. What a way to spend such a special day. Stuck in a hospital. Needless to say, I did not wake up in a pleasant mood. I would have much preferred to wake up next to my Hubby. Instead I woke up in a cold hospital room. Nope I was not alone. One of the nurses was there to take my vitals and give me my medication.
Dr. B stopped in to give me the normal comments. However, I had my own agenda. I want out of this place on Monday. Dr. B says not until 28 weeks. I say "that is this Monday and I want to go home". I keep the date on the whiteboard in the room. Today is week 27 and 5 days. I ask when will the perinatologist perform the ultra sound to determine the length of my cervix. Dr. B said she will make arrangements for that to happen today.
Later that day Dr. W who is the perinatologist comes to my room and performs an ultra sound. When I see her I decide to have fun and give her a hard time because it was her diagnosis sent me to my current living environment.
Dr. W performs the ultrasound and determines that my cervix is shorter. It is now 1.2 cm. Bummer. I don't know if this will prevent my departure because my cervix was 1.43 cm 3 weeks ago which was the cause of my initial incarceration . . . I mean admittance to hospital. Now that my cervix is shorter I am not sure if Dr. B will allow me to go home. I still have hope that she will let me go home to finish out my bed rest since I am not having contractions or any other pre-labor symptoms. The decision is up to Dr. B. Not sure what she will say tomorrow. Again I have to wait.
Of course you know that I have to find a bright side. Well, the little one is healthy. Her spine, kidneys, brain, legs, arms, feet, fingers, toes etc. are all in order. We all got a good laugh at her moving around and we were able to get a good picture of her foot at the top of her head. Must be nice being that flexible. She is growing well and her weight is estimated at 2lbs 2oz which means her weight is on target.
This is good news but I am still a little depressed. I decided that I am well within my rights to feel depressed today. I start singing "Lord help me to hold out". Wish I was a better singer. Might have to find that song on Youtube.com
Regardless, I am resolved to have a better day tomorrow. After all, its not about me. Its about the little one growing in my belly. Ouch! But I tell you if she kicks me in my bladder one more time . . . .
Dr. B stopped in to give me the normal comments. However, I had my own agenda. I want out of this place on Monday. Dr. B says not until 28 weeks. I say "that is this Monday and I want to go home". I keep the date on the whiteboard in the room. Today is week 27 and 5 days. I ask when will the perinatologist perform the ultra sound to determine the length of my cervix. Dr. B said she will make arrangements for that to happen today.
Later that day Dr. W who is the perinatologist comes to my room and performs an ultra sound. When I see her I decide to have fun and give her a hard time because it was her diagnosis sent me to my current living environment.
Dr. W performs the ultrasound and determines that my cervix is shorter. It is now 1.2 cm. Bummer. I don't know if this will prevent my departure because my cervix was 1.43 cm 3 weeks ago which was the cause of my initial incarceration . . . I mean admittance to hospital. Now that my cervix is shorter I am not sure if Dr. B will allow me to go home. I still have hope that she will let me go home to finish out my bed rest since I am not having contractions or any other pre-labor symptoms. The decision is up to Dr. B. Not sure what she will say tomorrow. Again I have to wait.
Of course you know that I have to find a bright side. Well, the little one is healthy. Her spine, kidneys, brain, legs, arms, feet, fingers, toes etc. are all in order. We all got a good laugh at her moving around and we were able to get a good picture of her foot at the top of her head. Must be nice being that flexible. She is growing well and her weight is estimated at 2lbs 2oz which means her weight is on target.
This is good news but I am still a little depressed. I decided that I am well within my rights to feel depressed today. I start singing "Lord help me to hold out". Wish I was a better singer. Might have to find that song on Youtube.com
Regardless, I am resolved to have a better day tomorrow. After all, its not about me. Its about the little one growing in my belly. Ouch! But I tell you if she kicks me in my bladder one more time . . . .
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Great Escape
Laying in a room all day long brings about many emotions. I generally start the day off in a good mood. But without fail at some point in the day, I get a little depressed. But I refuse to wallow is self pity for to long. So I start thinking of humorous things to do. Today I planned my great escape. (Never mind I could probably just sign myself out but that takes all the fun out of planning an escape.)
So this was the plan. There are about 6 pregnant nurses that I am aware of in the Labor and Delivery and Antepartum floor. Well 5 now. One started maternity leave today. Usually they wear blue or green scrubs. How hard could it be to get a set of scrubs? Once I commandeer a set of scrubs I would change clothes. Now the tricky part is getting out of my room past the nurses station. That is a tough one since my room is directly in front of the nurses station. So I have to wait until everyone has her back turned or are distracted by another resident on this floor and sneak out the room. If they happen to look up then all they notice is me waddling (yes I said waddle) down the hallway like all the other pregnant nurses. One short hallway and a quick turn to the right and out the door I go. It is the perfect plan provided no one realizes that I am African American and they don't have any African American pregnant nurses with her hair braided in cornrows on the floor.
Well I was so tickled with my escape plan I told the charge nurse who thought it was so funny she shared it with the other nurses. Apparently one of the nurses added a twist to my escape. Saying that she could see the nurses finding her locked in a closet with her scrubs missing. Now I would never do that! Then again I probably do need her ID Badge to complete the outfit.
Dr. A just walked in and confirmed that she spoke to Dr. B and provided all goes well she will let me out of here at 28 weeks. That is next Monday! My glucose test is fine and I don't have to take the 3 hour test. Hallelujah -Thank you Lord. I will still be on bed rest but I will be in my own home in my own bed and surrounded by my little one and Hubby.
HOWEVER, if they plan on keeping me longer then I have to come up with the Great Escape plan B.
God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good.
So this was the plan. There are about 6 pregnant nurses that I am aware of in the Labor and Delivery and Antepartum floor. Well 5 now. One started maternity leave today. Usually they wear blue or green scrubs. How hard could it be to get a set of scrubs? Once I commandeer a set of scrubs I would change clothes. Now the tricky part is getting out of my room past the nurses station. That is a tough one since my room is directly in front of the nurses station. So I have to wait until everyone has her back turned or are distracted by another resident on this floor and sneak out the room. If they happen to look up then all they notice is me waddling (yes I said waddle) down the hallway like all the other pregnant nurses. One short hallway and a quick turn to the right and out the door I go. It is the perfect plan provided no one realizes that I am African American and they don't have any African American pregnant nurses with her hair braided in cornrows on the floor.
Well I was so tickled with my escape plan I told the charge nurse who thought it was so funny she shared it with the other nurses. Apparently one of the nurses added a twist to my escape. Saying that she could see the nurses finding her locked in a closet with her scrubs missing. Now I would never do that! Then again I probably do need her ID Badge to complete the outfit.
Dr. A just walked in and confirmed that she spoke to Dr. B and provided all goes well she will let me out of here at 28 weeks. That is next Monday! My glucose test is fine and I don't have to take the 3 hour test. Hallelujah -Thank you Lord. I will still be on bed rest but I will be in my own home in my own bed and surrounded by my little one and Hubby.
HOWEVER, if they plan on keeping me longer then I have to come up with the Great Escape plan B.
God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good.
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