A Really Difficult Day

Well I woke up this morning in a good mood.  Apparently, my AMEZ (i.e. Methodist) upbringing must have kicked in because I only had hymns on my tongue.  First was "Nothing but the Blood" and then "How Great Thou Are."  One of the nurses walked in and asked if I was having church and if I was Catholic because she heard the tradition version of "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood" playing on my computer.  Guess I was.  She mentioned that they could bring a minister in to talk to me but I told her I could download a sermon and it was okay.

Then Dr. B came to visit me.  She of course was not pleased with the ultra sound results.  My cervix at 1.2 cm means that it is shorter than when I first came to the hospital.  She was hoping that my cervix would have remained the same.  I like that Dr. B is cautious.  But I really want to go home.  Really if staying in the bed in the hospital has not stabilized my cervix then why not have bed rest at home. 

My mood is really going downhill at this point.  Dr. B stated she would discuss this situation with Dr. W (the perinotologist).  Dr. B wants to determine if there are additional things that can be done to stabilize my cervix.  All of her comments and concerns make since and are valid and my head and heart know this but I still want to go home. 

Let me see how I can explain my emotions. 

I miss being around my 2.5 year old and my husband.  I feel as though I have neglected them during this time.  Especially my little one.  Yes, the Hubby is doing an awesome job and he is supportive.  But I am the Mommy and my little girl needs her Mommy.  So I feel guilty. Guilty that I am choosing to care for one child over another. 

At the same time I wonder what more could or should I have done to prevent this situation.  Should I have allowed Dr. B to take me off work sooner instead of convincing her that I would be okay with a reduced work schedule.  Should I have voiced my concerns about the pressure I was feeling earlier and not just assume that it was natural for me to feel that way for the 2nd pregnancy.  Again - Guilt.

Then I just want to get up and walk out of this hospital because this entire situation is overwhelming.  Mainly because I am afraid of becoming so depressed that I will be no good for this child or my family.  And I think how selfish of me.  More Guilt.

I wonder if this is all worth it.  Geez - How selfish of me.  Now I feel horrible.  How can I even bring that thought into my mind.  Of course our daughter is worth it.  GUILT!!!!

Can I beat myself up any more.  Yes, I can!  Because I am positive this baby growing inside of me can feel each and every one of my emotions and understand my thoughts.  How crazy is that?  Does it matter? No!  Because that is how I feel and my feelings are valid.  Well at least to me - my feelings are valid. 

So I cry and cry and cry and cry.  It is a vicious cycle.  My nurse comes in and just sits and rubs my back and doesn't say a word.  I cry even harder because I do not deserve to be comforted.  Oh if she only knew my thoughts. 

I called my Hubby crying uncontrollably.  I need you.  Just come now, please.  He comes to the hospital and just holds me and lays down with me while I continue to cry.  I try to explain what is going on with me emotionally but I am a blubbering mess.  Eventually, I tell him everything and ended it with I am such a horrible Mother.

He waits for me to finish and after a few moments he says . . . "Do you remember what you told our daughter the other day?"  I said "no"  He said you told her "Mommy wants to be with you but she is staying in the hospital so your sister will be healthy."  Hmmm - I really don't remember saying that to her. Well it was not until after he left that I remember.  My little one was laying in the bed and just looked up at me and said Mommy?  Along with something else I could not understand.  However, it sounded like a question.  So I that was how I answered her.  I remember getting a kiss shortly after.

Then he says . . . do you remember what you said after our daughter was born.  I say "of course not".  He said that when I first held her I said "all that bed rest and pain was worth seeing you." 

Well now I am crying for a totally different reason.

First, I have the greatest Husband in the world and that he is truly my blessing sent by God.  He remembers the most important parts of our life and reminds me of those times especially when I am beating myself up.  Second, I am not a horrible Mommy.  I am just having a horrible day.  Finally, no matter what, I will always do what is best for our children.

I would love to end this post by saying after my Husband left my day was better.  But that would not be a true statement.  I still feel guilty and a little depressed.  I have been crying off an on all day and several times while writing this blog.

However, I am certain that tomorrow will be a better day.  After all that will mean my little one stayed in the belly for 28 weeks.  Everyday she stays in makes her stronger.  So I say thank you, Lord.  Regardless, of my day. . . Thank you, Lord.

Romans 8
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Proverbs 3
My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.